Psychology and the Intrigue of Obsessions

It has taken effort to post on this blog in the last couple of years, if you notice by way of how the number of posts dropped to nearly nothing. I used to write about whatever was on my mind, and then I decided that since nobody seemed to care about my thoughts, why was I sharing them? Plus, the thoughts that I have are often repetetive, I obsess over the same things all the time. I was once obsessed with religion, but that obsession waned in place of an obsession with psychology, an obsession with getting to know my own mind and the ways in which people misinterpret minds that are like mine. Even though I am no longer obsessed with religion I am still very much a spiritual person, my beliefs are my foundation for existence. They keep me centered when possible and I have hope that whatever God's will is in my life it shall be done. That is the major way I have kept OCD thoughts from attacking me about life in general. Whatever will be will be.
My obsession with psychology is ongoing because I am always hyperaware of myself and my moods. If I read about depression, anxiety, OCD, or even Asperger's (which I may have), I am better able to understand why I am feeling or acting a certain way and accept my ways of being. Also, I can explain my behavior to others who have no idea what I am going through.
I have recently come to discover that I may have executive dysfunction which I am reading about in curiousity because it describes issues with inhibition and there was one symptom of it that I found completely startling, that some people with executive dysfunction have trouble forming their own ideas and are better at creating through someone else- like an enhanced version of copying. I can copy something in front of me and add to it, but ask me to create from nothing and I go blank. I would not call this a lack of creativity, as with the right motivation and guidance I am highly creative, but it is a hinderance when asked to draw or write or make crafts from an idea of my own. This is all fascinating to me. Even the notion of creating from nothing leads into my inability to move in a direction unless I can imagine/visualize it happening, and I need details in order to do something. If someone asks me if I want to paint signs (which someone did last year) they have to show me what this means or I am paralysed, I have no idea what they are asking and I have no inclination toward it. Paint them how? What do the signs look like? What paint is being used? What colors are involved? What would I have to do? Straight, crooked, freehand, words, numbers, what? But all this time I thought humans would spontaneously give me this information, not realising that they don't have this impairment and that they can't see what I need. I have to ask for it. I didn't know I had to so I haven't in the past and questions do not come easily for me, if I can't even begin to imagine the idea I cannot form the questions. They wait for me to answer them and my only answer is that I don't know. Put me in front of a sign and ask me to paint it and I will. Ask me if I want to and nothing will happen.
I'm finding out all kinds of interesting things. I know why I don't react positively to the words "Do you understand?" And that's because all my psychologists are doing is asking me if I understand their words which I almost always do, so I nod, but they get upset when I nod and ask me again as though I didn't hear them. The problem isn't in understanding the words, it is in knowing the implications of the words. What does what they just said mean in context of what we were talking about? I don't know, I've totally lost them at the words "Do you understand?" I wasn't following them on a level that had anything to do with understanding. I was trying to listen to their words as words. They didn't mean anything. That's probably why people can give me advice and carry on as though I'm interpreting their words correctly and applying and integrating what they are saying... but no, I don't seem to get that far before they have finished and I'm just wondering why they were talking in the first place. I share what's happening in my life for the sake of sharing. I don't easily adapt to advice. I hear their words, I relate them to my experience, there's a response but it isn't what normal people are expecting. So, when they ask if I understand, I have no idea what they are really asking. They aren't asking me what my thoughts are about their thoughts (which is all I process and am ready to do), they aren't inviting me to share, they are just seeking an abstract reaction. Let's say I am talking about how my emotions and my logic don't listen to each other, and my psychologist says "Sometimes there is a block in the integration between those two sides of our brains. Do you understand?" Just writing it makes me feel weird. First of all, what am I to understand, I just said the same thing she did but in different words. Second, what does she mean to tell me by saying that, it doesn't mean anything to me. Third, if I didn't understand her terms, what could she do about it? Repeat it back to me in the layman's vocabulary I just said to her? Pointless. Interesting phenomenon, though.

I am currently obsessed with an entirely different matter, having a boyfriend. I became obsessed with him almost the instant we began communicating with each other. Before I met him I was immersed in my fantasy realms but he surpassed them. Afterall, he's a real person and I've never met anyone who enthralled me so fully in this world. Humans are fascinating creatures but they are humans, scary, unpredictable, unaccepting... many are just robots pretending to be happy and so even though they would be intriguing they put on their boring personas of ordinariness and go about their seminormal lives, never sharing the depth and treasures within themselves. That's why I haven't been obsessed with real people before. My boyfriend is unique, as he'd like to be called. He wasn't afraid to share this uniqueness with me and he let me share mine with him without judgment. I hyperfocus on him a lot, but in the beginning of our relationship it was even more extreme. I couldn't focus on anything but him and I couldn't function if he didn't reply to me. I still have difficulty shifting perspective from my life with him to my life with my family and friends, occasionally I can't feel anything outside of my emotions for him. Being that our relationship has entwined itself into my psyche, my obsession with psychology has only increased. I want to know what is going on with me, what is it like to be in love, are these feelings natural, is there something wrong with me, what are these intruding thoughts and how are they playing a part in this? There's a lot to study and learn in this respect.

I'm growing as a person and my relationship with my boyfriend has already changed my life in wonderful ways. I've known highs I didn't know I could experience with such frequency! I already know the lows. This makes me wonder about manic depression and if mania is only experienced when there is a reason to be happy. As I haven't had a reason to be happy, my last experience with mania was at least two and a half years ago when I was reading The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Really Are, by Alan Watts.

I'll stop here for today.

Inspirational Movies?

Today I watched a movie. Nothing special about the act, I watch movies all the time. No, it's my choice of movies that is annoying me. I end up watching Independent films. Dramas mostly. And I do this to find a movie with meaning, with inspiration, with hope. Somehow, though, I end up with the movies where the one of the main characters dies. I cannot handle death. The thought of it scares me. Those movies make me cry, and I do not cry just because of death, but the effect of the character's life, and the impact of their loss upon other characters. This current movie had inspirational messages about listening to oneself, following one's dream, learning how to love, and what love means. It did inspire me, at least until the main character died, and then I practically lost every message. They meant nothing compared to the pain gathering in my heart, the soreness creeping up my throat, the tears sliding down my cheeks. Inspiration is second to suffering. I am there with all that is happening. The characters move on, they sob, they mourn, they get on with life, they smile, they laugh... they pass through the sorrow, all within a span of 10-15 minutes! I'm still feeling it! I do not have their coping skills. I don't have their friends or their support. All I have is the pain, and nothing from before it seems to have any meaning. One might say I take movies too seriously. Maybe that's an understatement. I am affected. I am with the characters. I feel their feelings. I envy their happiness and mirror their sorrow.

I did, however, manage to maintain the inspiration to go for my dreams now, and stop waiting for approval from others. It may never come. They may never say I'm okay. They may never like my journals. I love them. Isn't that enough? It has never been enough. There are people who say that just because you like it doesn't mean it should be shared with the world. Doesn't mean it is worth anything. I heard a story about a boy who was tone deaf. They say he stopped singing because he realized "he couldn't sing". What if he loved singing? What if he only believed he couldn't sing because other people did not encourage his eccentric tones? I shall not know the answer to this question, but I think it is sad. Maybe it wasn't perfect. Maybe it made some people's ear crinkle and scream. Maybe, who knows? I am sure that the Source that made him loves his song. I know a bird who sounds like a little bomb. That little bird sings every morning just before dawn. He probably doesn't inspire beautiful music. But, I like him because he's different. His odd sounds stand out among the rest. To me, that bird is special. Of course, when I hear someone or something out of tune, I also say "Why can't they sing right?" I've already been conditioned to human songs. To human voices. And it is a loss to me. A woman that I know also sings out of tune, and I'm sure she knows it, but she doesn't care. She goes ahead anyway, no matter who gives her strange looks. She has much more life to her than I do. She does not care so much about what other people think. I want to have that assertiveness. I want to be okay with me, even though I'm different. I want to follow my dreams. I want to be an author!

Will the inspiration be enough to initiate self-publishing my journals? I don't know. I can hope.

Depression Stops The Movement

Depression is what has stopped my writing. It has taken me down, beaten me into submission. If every time you went to write a post and someone said, "Don't bother. No one will read it. Or if they do, they won't like it. They won't say anything. Of course, this means your writing sucks. Otherwise people would care. So, don't even bother. Give up. Erase everything you have written and go on with your pathetic life, you loser," would you feel like writing? I cannot seem to stop listening. I hear that voice and I start hearing the voices of others who betrayed me, who made me wrong and not good enough and just a complaining whining baby of a human. I begin to cry, my chest tightens, and I wonder why I am alive. Writing loses it's vitality and worth when I become nothing. It usually happens when I want to write about my depression, or my thoughts about life, God, religion...

Just today I read an inspiring post that said "Stop complaining and get on with your life." By inspiring, I mean it inspired me to have violent thoughts of attacking the people that think writing such words will retrieve anyone from the darkness. But, apparently, it works for some. The post received four likes on facebook. Four people with depression thought, "Hey, I really should be more positive." Yeah, first step to another downward spiral is to expect our depressed minds to function like a healthy person's mind.

Yet, that is what the healthy people convince themselves. All she needs is to get a job, get a car, get a life, stop worrying, stop being depressed, start socializing, and she'll be alright. Hahaha. Getting a job, what would that entail, oh, I don't know, fighting Avoidant Personality Disorder, social anxiety, depression, generalized anxiety, and specific phobias, OCD... sounds easy. Not. It means, "Cassie, all you have to do to be happy is to stop being yourself." Great plan. Afterall, I AM worthless, useless and pathetic. I'm no good for anything. I really should be someone else. Then I'd fit right in. Lovely robot of a human being. Rewire me, and I hope you are happy with the results of your programming.

Otherwise, why couldn't a support group actually support the growing of a rich and deep human being? Why couldn't family and friends help find a niche for this idiosyncratic soul? One book I read described a role that a person as sensitive as I used to play in times gone by. That was the role of advisor. The one who stood removed from the battles and watched, contemplated, made connections, and could advise from this position wiser ways of living.

I do not function under pressure or performance. I am often slow to move. I found enjoyment in sweeping or setting tables. They were sacred acts. Then people entered, and humans destroyed the temple in which I worked. They cluttered the corners with rules, and the ceiling with expectations, they muddied the floor with hurry, and they smashed the tables of peace. No one has lead me to another sacred space. They are all ruined. I am waiting for a place to call home. I am waiting for my vocation. And my life.

Negative Spirals

Being negative toward the negative creates a spiral of negativity. I have read one too many times that negative thoughts create a negative reality. In truth, negative thoughts only create a perception- they have no other power. This perception then influences actions which have an effect upon the world around us. Depending on the circumstances, anything can happen.

What is it with all of these unproved statements saying: "If you don't believe in yourself, no one else will?" Does no one understand how unhelpful and uninspiring that message is? Those that do believe in themselves will agree with this, but those who do not.. they will begin a cycle into despair. I have tried it. I do not believe in myself, and if I listened to that statement, I would think that no one else will either, meaning, I really am not worth anything. But, thankfully, I have met people who DID in fact believe in me, even when I did not believe in myself. If it were not for them, I may never have experienced self-esteem at all. My thoughts, about myself, about the world, about my neighbors, have no bearing, no solidity, unless reinforced in action and in reaction.

Think about it... would the law of gravity exist if the apple didn't always fall back to the ground? If sometimes it floated under the same conditions in which it had fallen? No... and how then can this negativity for negativity? It is not always true. It is only true under certain conditions, making one have to change the hypothesis to: "If you do not believe in yourself, and you voice this outloud, and the people around you are not encouraging or supportive, no one, admidst that group of people, will believe in you." Not so very destructive then. One can just look for support elsewhere.

The truth is.... no one can make you believe in yourself. That we really do have to do for ourselves.

Here's another: "If you think you are going to fail... you will." Okay, who is that going to help? It certainly wouldn't help me. Actually, since I've just been told I'm going to fail if I believe I am, I'm going to believe even more fervently that I will fail. And around the spiral spins. If only these statements were not linked to the negative. How about: "If you believe you are going to fail... don't worry about it. Everything will be alright." And even if you do fail, what's so bad about that? If we were okay with the negative, instead of reinforcing a negative idea, we would calm the troubled mind, ensuring a relaxed and focused response.

Somehow it ended up backward and inspiration became only a place for well, happy, adjusted people, and not the ones who need it most. The ones who do not believe in themselves, see things negatively... they are called whiners, complainers, babies... such wonderful terms... along with childish, immature, and irrational. They are beat down at every turn, told to be happy or else. Told to hate hate and be angry about being angry. (Very silly, if you ask me.) They are apparently punished by God, people, the Universe, karma... this is cruelty. How did we become bitter? The cure is not in attacking bitterness- that creates yet still more bitterness- but in reaching down into the broken root and healing it. Do we expect the man with the broken foot to stand, unanchored, and walk, unsupported? Yet, we expect this of the emotionally wounded. Weird.

When did it become fashionable to stab the man with the broken foot in the toe? More wounds, more cycles, more negativity.

That's why I love this sentence:

"I'm not okay, you're not okay- but that's okay." (I'm not sure where I read this.)

Unfinished Grievance

And here comes the darkness again!

Did it leave? Why yes!

It left with a "I'm okay

with being depressed!"

Really, what the hell?

Yep, and it was swell.

But days of waiting

not speaking my heart

have another depressing

engine beginning to start.

I head for my God

and find He's not there!

His presence has vanished

not even anger spared!

Nothing, the empty Shadow

I prayed to anyway-

Save me from this barren land

give me to my Mother today.

Okay!

I watched a movie and felt

connected to the Source

again, but fractional

a meager force.

Fighting to keep it,

I entered my dreams,

touched nothing but

a host of broken seams.

Wandered into religion,

found those who think like me

running bravely from Christianity,

leaving for brighter shores

while watching, I

hold fast to a sinking ship

and cry, I cry.

For I do not belong

with these people here,

I am afraid they do not even

know how to steer.

Jagged rocks show foaming

as we hit one after another,

teaching hate and screaming

"Love your sister and your brother!"

I am not good enough.

And only if, and still not.

all the requirements to be loved

are sanctimonious rot.

So, weeping for a lost Christ,

a wrecked ship,

and a wave soon approaching,

I toss my last chip

in to the frothing ocean

Here, Mother, come Mother,

come up from the depths

and devour your daughter.

My Father has left me,

will You deny passage, too?

I went begging for scraps

as poor women do.

"Woman Warrior, Woman Monk,

who are you?" I do not know.

I spend my days searching

for a Way to go.

"Enter in drawing

enter in singing,

enter in writing and hoping

caring and dreaming.

Enter in living

the creating

and celebrating

the grateful heart of

a Mother's love

open, inviting."

I've tried, the groans persist

I'd die a thousand deaths in thirst

if I hadn't died a hundred million

in terrible hunger first!

Don't tell me I don't try

hard enough to satisfy

the longing of my soul.

Life is Strange

Life is strange. When my cat was sick, I was sad and worried about her, but I did not really get lost in myself or my depression. And now that she is better, my mind has rewired itself, easily, to its favorite pattern. I do not know how to live without being depressed, unless there is something to do that will entertain my brain enough to forget me. Does this lead me in the direction of caring more about others than myself? I thought about that, how it would feel, whether I love anyone enough to live my life for them, and erase this self who is of no use to any person, animal, or object. While I am depressed, I see the question as an enemy. I do not want to lose who I am. Yet, who am I when I am lost, without an anchor, without hope, without purpose, meaning, or happiness? I am the bitter foe of everyone. Especially the inhabitor of my body. What shall I do today? Nothing. Nothing feels "right". Nothing is fun. It is all work. Thinking is work, feeling is work, playing is work, going places is work, writing is work, reading is work.... goodbye energy. Let me just sleep and dream and stay there until the world becomes what I need to survive. What is that? I am not sure.

Yesterday, a part of me wanted to go to church. To listen, to sing. But, that would entail work. Loss of sleep. Seeing people. I considered writing my own sermon. Guess what I eventually considered that? Yep, work. This state of mind is killing me. I am insane and not getting any saner. Cut me out of my shell, break me open. I will play in the world as though it is me, but the real me is protesting, wanting to hide. There is no safety. There is no place free of expectations and demands. I remain a slave. A slave to psuedolove. A slave to fear.

Promises?

The second week of the God Sightings journal did not speak to me as the new beginnings had. It only said, "Promises kept". What promises? Did God make me promises? I am not too sure about that. Biblically, God made covenants with men, but those men were not I. As I have written in another post, God has been inconsistent when it comes to being trustworthy. Of course, I am talking about trusting Him with security- physical, mental, monetary, material. There is no security with God. One is not promised a healthy, happy life, nor to be protected from pain. However, what of the promise "Ask and it is given."? If I ask for healing and it is not given, has God broken the covenant He made? "Ask and it will be considered." would be a more appropriate promise. It wouldn't leave me hopeless and feeling betrayed when things don't seem to work out. Here it what I feel God has promised me, if He has made them, not in a verbal way, but each of these has proven true throughout the years:

1. I will always be with you.
2. I will grant you passage into the unknown.
3. I will teach, speak, and dance in all things.
4. I will be found in Silence.
5. I will give you questions and answers.

God will remain an enigma. Who, or What is God? And why would God need to make promises? We look for promises because we are looking for assurances. Will God always be with me? Well, He says so, it has to be true! But, what happens when it seems God has abandoned us, left us to our misery, turned His face from us in anger? Can we trust His promise then? No. Trusting a promise is a matter of faith, and I only list the promises I have because they are always true for me, because of who God is to me. My perception of God makes what I say, for me, true. If God were an apple and he promised to be an orange, we couldn't trust that. There is evidence against apples becoming oranges. But, if God were an apple seed and promised to become an apple, that we could rely on.

I once considered that the only faith that wouldn't wither or be riddled with doubt was faith in the unknown. We can have no security blanket. But, I want it, I want it so much that I search for it with desperate longing. I want to trust God. Is this supposed to be achieved by studying the Bible and the promises kept? I don't think about promises when I think about trust. I think about truth and lies. Is God Love? Not Biblically. One can't trust that God will be gentle, understanding, or compassionate. You can't give trust to someone who will turn on you the moment you are having a bad day. Sure, God kept THAT promise, but what did it matter when all of those people were slaughtered beforehand? Is God a fair-weathered friend? "I keep all of my promises." That's nice, but can I trust you? "Of course, I keep all of my promises, didn't I just tell you that you moron? I promise to kill you. I promise to bring harm upon you. I promise to destroy everything in my path..." Um, woops. I'd really rather those promises were not kept, wouldn't you? And how about a favorite promise "I promise to love you if..."

Anyway, I have seen God in this God Sighting week, but not in promises, not exactly. I have seen Him where He always is, in trees and cats and people and books and beauty and love and laughter and smiles and snow and sparkles and lights and clouds. I see Him when I reach out in thought and call God my Beloved or my Lover, for God is my only confidant. I love His utter magnificence and glory. God doesn't need to make me promises. All I want is to be able to touch His hand and stroke Her face and feel Their breath upon my flesh. And God still works bigheartedness into my life. I have seen God in a painful dificulty that has plagued me for a week. This pain gave me a poem. It opened me further. I am at once grateful and annoyed with it. :)

New Beginnings

I just started a weekly God Sightings study. The theme for this week is basically, New Beginnings. It fits snugly into the New Year. When I turned to the headline, it said "The start of something big..." And I was invisibly smacked on the top of the head! Big! A word I have been running into lately. Bigheartedness. That is what wants to start-or at least continue in process, as does everything which appears to be starting. A new day is really connected to all other days, a new moment to all other moments, a new year to all other years.
I had to write it down, bigheartedness. Why did it keep pestering me? I certainly didn't mind the word, but at times I minded the implication the bigheartedness is paramount- more important, better than, smallheartedness. Another place to climb the ladder toward perfection. I balk at that ladder. I do not want to climb up anything. Too much work, and I'd probably start wheezing. :) Bigheartedness reminds me of the Grinch. His heart was three times too small. He did not work to become bighearted, it happened as a natural result of expanding his awareness. Even that he did not choose. There was no striving. He opened, like a flower, in his own time. I lean toward that beginning, the new beginning which started upon our birth, the growth of ourselves. Each moment our awareness grows, we see anew, with fresh insights. I ask God for an expanding heart. A heart with opening arms, welcoming more and more. An inviting heart. A heart accepting of new moments and unexpected results. A heart waiting, longing for mystery.
In the study, there are daily Bible readings, and I thought about doing those, but you know me and the Bible. It feels like a part of me is being ripped apart if I read too much. Maybe something is trying to open, and I am holding the door closed. I don't want to open to the Bible. I don't want to let it in. When I do, the pain often becomes unbearable. Yet, during my study of the Bible over the years, I have gained wisdom, I have gained strength, and trust in God. I have tried different ways of reading the Bible- Ignation Contemplation, praying the psalms, rewriting the text to relate to me- each of these has grown me in some way. Perhaps this new year is also a new beginning for my relationship with the Bible, which technically began last year. I halted when the depression became too much. I am terrified to enter that realm again. How much internal torment can I withstand? I do know where it leads. It leads to the Void, to the emptying of self. However, when I read, it feels like someone else is tearing me from myself, while I wish to empty willingly, not forcefully. Gracefully. If the door to the Void opens full swing, I shall be sucked in and be destroyed. For those of you who don't understand the pain, it is the depths of not being good enough. It is the screams of thousands of people who weren't worth anything to God. It is my own hatred of that monster welling up inside my heart. I break because I can't fathom that evil pouring through me. Telling me it is good. One must empty completely to admit the oxymoronic and paradoxical qualities of God. Many do not. I see surface dwellers. They stop at the edge and watch me drowning in nothingness. They are blind to the Ocean of Suffering.
A new beginning may also retrieve me from this darkness. May set me free. Or, as in the recent rediscovery of the meaning of my name, I can newly appreciate the Dark, which is my natural habitat. I was named to see into the dark. To witness the experience of the Void. I can open to it, knowing it is my destiny, for it is in my name.

A Unfinished Post on OCD

I thought eventually I could leave "thoughts have power" behind, but my OCD won't let go of it. Of course not, without it, many of my obsessions would flounder and die out. They'd have no hold, for the grasp of OCD is to tell one that they HAVE to play along or something bad will happen. I went searching online for something to read about OCD which would calm the storm within, but, no there just doesn't seem to be enough research. They list the raw facts, but I need more, I need compassion. I read "It's not your fault." That was one of the best sentences I found. Those without the disorder are always claiming that my thoughts are my fault and that somehow I SHOULD have control over them.

To Be Humble

I have been thinking and studying about denial of self and humility. It has been said that the fully mature person thinks about others before themselves. They think of themselves below others. Perhaps that is full maturity, because when we are fully mature, we are completed, done, finished, ended, whole. There is no more need for self. But, we are not fully mature, and I think that is not our aim. Our aim is to be always maturing, growing, learning, never done, always immature. The goal is in the reaching, in the journey to maturity, not in maturity itself. I think that humility is knowledge of our humanity, acceptance of who we are, our weaknesses, frailties, our sins. It is not in denial of self but in being human. A verse that is used to proclaim that we give up ourselves is Phillipians 2:6-7. "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing." (NIV) Jesus became nothing in comparison to the fullness of Godhood. What did He become? A human being. How could He make Himself nothing? He knew exactly who He was but did not grasp at it, He did not lord it over others. How do we become nothing? By knowing who we are-whether this be a beloved child of God or an expression of God, and letting it go to be fully human, because that is who we are being right now. The Great Commands said "Love God with your whole heart, whole mind, whole strength, and whole soul." Love God as ourselves, not in denial of ourselves. And guess what? The second command is to love our neighbors AS ourselves. Not above ourselves, not beneath ourselves, AS ourselves. I think that is an important distinction. When we are ourselves, when we love God as ourselves, we can love others as ourselves. That means seeing them as humans. Compassion, compassion, compassion, is what comes to mind when I think of loving others as ourselves, and even, loving ourselves as others. We are not separate. To be humble is to be human together. To be in humiliation is to be debased, denied, and rejected. I did not know until recently that there could actually be joy in God's commands, but they are really just the ways of love. All that is needed for humility is the fulfilled Law, and perhaps "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." (1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV, paraphrased.) To be humble is to live in love. I will serve others with my all when I am my all. All of myself goes into God's work. He uses weaknesses as well as strengths. When we have become aware of love, and are living along love's way, when are our wants harmful to others? When are our wants a hazard to human relationships? If we are loving, our wants, our desires, our lives are aligned with beneficiality to others. When we are not loving, when we are "selfish", we are neither loving ourselves nor others. So, I say, don't give yourself away, embrace your entirety, and in doing so, you embrace everyone else.

Disciple "Making" and Commitments

Recently I went to a meeting based upon disciple making. I was intrigued by the concept and went out of curiousity. I knew I did not want to be a disciple maker, I want to be a disciple. Perhaps in the art of disciple making, they might show the art of being a disciple in this day and age. Assigments were given, to pray everyday, to read the Bible everyday, to write in a journal and to read a book about evangelism. One of my major difficulties is the inability to fare well with commitments. For, a commitment is an obligation, a forced plan that I can not waver from without being held accountable. It turns whatever I do into rotten fruit. I must do things through want and love, not out of commitment. A friend told me that this might be an opportunity from God to overcome my problems with commitment, but I highly doubt it.
The Bible reading began smoothly enough, but fell apart after a few days. I wondered what the point was in reading the Bible every single day. If I journaled every day, the entries would be near to worthless. I follow inspiration, emotion, and passion. If it is not there, then it is dull work. So, I do not journal every day, and the entries that come forth are normally full and whole and edible. While, the Bible, day after day, becomes more and more fruitless to my searching grasp. The sermon following this disaster on my part (I didn't stop reading the Bible, though.) included a few words on why someone would want to read the Bible. Many times in the psalms, it says the commands of the Lord are good to read, they bring joy and wisdom and insight. Really? How so? When I read the Bible, I find pain and judgment and fear and sadness and death and plagues and war and... where is the joy? Where is the insight? Where the wisdom? "Dear God, whose love endures forever... please kill all my enemies... praise to the Lord, who mercies never fail... please pour out your wrath and anger upon my foes." Um... joyful to me? No, enemies are people, too.
Buried beneath it all somewhere, somewhere, is the path to the Great Lover, the one who loved us all from the beginning, of whom we are His Sacred Temple and His living breath. I feel too weak to search through all the rubble of broken bodies and bloody sacrifices, looking for my Beloved. I find my Beloved in the presence of Love, in His words on earth today, people, clouds, snow, rain, animals, trees... these "scriptures" of God are full of joy and insight and love. If I were told to read God's words every day, to look into His eyes everyday and fall into His arms every night, to hold His hand and stroke His hair and spend time with Him every day... that would bring what they say the Bible brings. Yet, I heard that not wanting to read the Bible means you don't want wisdom or joy or insight.

To pray every day also ran into hazards. I know why it causes me distress, it is because of my OCD, and the doubts I have and the terrible fear I have that my thoughts will come true. To believe in prayer is to believe that my thoughts have some affect upon the world, and to believe that is my doom. The truest prayer that I can give without running into this is the prayer that means talking to God, just... talking. Holding my heart open to Him. Being with Him. Listening to Him. Isn't this all a form of prayer?
And thinking about this, maybe that is the true commitment, for it is one of the ideas behind discipleship-association with Jesus Christ. That must be what Bible reading, prayer, and fellowship with believers is all about- Communion. Living in Christ, for Christ, living in Love, with God. To me, it is all the same. Disciple making isn't coercion. It isn't forcing beliefs upon someone or making them do anything. It is modeling Jesus. It is holding out the fruits of our communication and connection with God. Offering love. Love is the essence of discipleship. Teach love, and you are teaching about God. For whoever lives in love lives in God. God is Love. Christ is love. It is all wrapped up, bound in perfect unity, in love.
It isn't about a commitment to the Bible, but about a commitment to God.
Along the same lines is the idea to abound more and more in love and in knowledge and understanding of love. To some, this means to spend more and more time with others and less and less time alone, but I think this is more of a personal choice. Does your love grow in community with others more than it grows alone? Or, like me, does your love grow more alone, to be shared in community with others? None of us can ever really be alone. For God is with each and every one of us, always. To grow in love is to spend more and more time with God. This can be accomplished with people, but also with cats! And with books, and with pencils, and with microwaves and washing machines and toilets. Yet, they might think this a crazy thing, but, I have been crazy for many years now. Find God in all things, and Love can also be found in all things. Again, the truth of the matter reveals itself, less and less alone doesn't mean less and less "solitude", but less and less of an idea that you are ever alone! :) God is everywhere. Love grows everywhere with an awareness of love. Invite God into your homes, and you will see He was there all along.
One last note on disciple making and all that the recent studies have brought to the surface.
Disciple making I have read, is about taking a new convert under wing, and helping them to mature in Christ. I want to add that it is not about pretending you know more than the person you wish to support. It is about guidance, not superiority. The new convert has something to teach as well. Everyone has gifts from God, and if people become to hooked on being the leader instead of a guide and friend and support system, they may lose sight of the gifts offered.

Deconversion and the Transformation of God

I was just reading about deconversion from Christianity on a deconversion site, and it got me to thinking about my process of deconverting. Many deconverts said that they lost faith in God and heard no answer from God, so they were forced to leave Christianity. While, during my search and transition, I have not lost God- God just keeps changing. Perhaps because I have never been a complete deconvert or perhaps because my idea of God wasn't built out of concrete. I have lost my faith, it has staggered and fallen under the weight of God's incompetence. Yet, if I change the meaning of God, and change the meaning of faith and change the meaning of life, and what is "good" and what is "bad", then the structure of my religion can be rebuilt. Constantly rebuilt out of different materials. I'm not forced to say "Because this isn't true and that isn't true means there is no God." Rather, knowing that every estimation of God I have is just a perception and never a reality, I can change it with each experience I go through. If I lose faith in a personal God, I can move to an impersonal God.

When I was a child, I had one idea of God, and He was a scary man who watched over me. Jesus was a resurrected man whose words I could read, and through those words, I learned of love- a particular form of love. As I grew up, my fear of God shifted depending on how I perceived Him at the time. During severe bouts of OCD, I asked Him to strike me down if I was going to never be forgiven for blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I think I thought He just might. But, He didn't.
In my early twenties, I read Love, by Leo Buscaglia, and something in me changed. If God was Love and this was what Love was, wow! God was not to be feared. (I didn't give up on the Christian God because some ideas about Him were proven false- there are so many interpretations of biblical scriptures!) Then I met a lovely man who taught me that there was no hell- he taught me the history of words in the Bible, what Hades and Sheol meant, and how long these would last, and when God says He will save all men, He means it. This opened up a whole new world for me. I began to study the Hebrew meanings for English words, and the contex of those words. I was free of being bound to Monster God. He was only a shadow.

Without Hell, I began to see the truths in other religions. I studied Zen with a beloved friend, and found the world of non-judgment and non-duality. I saw things as they were. As I grew, my perception of God grew. I moved into Hinduism, and discovered a fascinating world of everything emanating from One Source. All of this led to a spiritual experience where I saw myself and a fly, and a tree, as all being God in form. And then Jesus became God and not just a man. As God, Jesus entered my life and I experienced Him as compassion. I did a Bible study which showed Jesus as being a funny man, a man of parties and humor, and this gave Him a new light in my eyes. I was safe with Him. That was how Jesus transformed as I did.

But, leading up to that experience, I had begun to feel out of place in church, it didn't feel right. I knew that they had only a perception of God, but it didn't help when they pretended their perception was fact. And after the experience, I felt as though I could accept their perception as their path and not mine. I was moved to tell people about my perceptions, because I didn't want to deceive others. As long as I went to their church and participated in their activities, I felt I was perpetuating a lie, yet I couldn't leave. There was still more to be learned. When I told a friend about my beliefs, she attacked me, saying Jesus would tell me he never knew me. I went through a period of pain and doubt, beginning to associate once again with their perception of God as an actual being. I was desperate to know that my path wasn't a misleading of the devil. I began to hate their God. Hate him as a monster and as something to detest and scorn. If I was going to hell, so be it. I didn't want to go to heaven and be with a cruel being such as he, nor join the literalist Christians. I fought against the doubts in my head about hell and I finally had a dream which confirmed my true beliefs. I said in that dream "I would rather die than believe in hell!" And I was free of hell, forever. Hell now is a game, a joke, I do not care if there is a hell. I will turn it into a paradise. And I know that hell is escapable, for I have been in the true hell-the perception that I am a damned, fallen, rotten being. That is hell.

I was a Christian, then a Christian Pantheist- because I still loved Christ and saw the truth in Christianity, especially liberal Christianity. But, then I met so many Christians denying my being a Christian, calling my beliefs delusions and nonsense, that I decided to drop the title. I had held it to show others that Christianity isn't what they proclaim it is. It is a religion of beauty and passion. It holds so much of the spirit- taken as a metaphor, not literal fact. If God demanded a blood sacrifice in order to forgive- no, not beauty, not truth, not love, not true forgiveness- actually, such an idea contradicts the Bible's message. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." "Love keeps no record of wrongs." "God bound all men in disobedience so he could have mercy on them all." This is where the religion starts to fit with my beliefs- in that we couldn't experience Life without the opposites. Without something to disobey, we couldn't know mercy or forgiveness. They wouldn't be experiences. Then we can see the Garden of Eden as a game God played willingly with His children (or, expressions) He gave them a law, so that they might break it. The knowledge of Good and Evil, that was entrance into the world of opposites, the bursting forth into life- which God as the Infinite already knew, but which each Child needs to choose for themself- absolute bliss, with no experience of bliss, the Great Deep, the Void, or Expression. You must express to exist. Christianity has so much to offer the world, so much! But, many people see only the literalness and they leave it behind, or they take it in another form and go back to treating people like dirt.

Now, I am a Pantheist, and for me, God is still a person. I discarded the Christian version of God-but my perception of God just... changed. Although, sometimes I still see the Old God, the Cruel One, the Destroyer, and now I am tempted to retrace the Biblical metaphors, to experience this God for who He was perceived to be, and understand His place in this Cosmic Dance. All perceptions of God are expressions of some aspect of the Divine. As some religions show, the Divine Manifestation is both wonderful and terrible. Afterall, the Divine manifests as Good and Evil, Love and Hate, Birth and Death. This seems to be the story of the Biblical God. He directly points to God as Everything. If I can see Him as an expression of the Divine, perhaps His power as the Divine Itself will fall away, and He will not trouble me anymore, but I can live in harmony with the Shadow, in acceptance of Life Living. This is what I long for now.

Talking To A Psychologist

I feel a deep pain in me. Recently, I've been seeing a psychologist. This was a step I decided to take because I want out of my misery. I want self esteem, and I felt that a psychologist could help me apply techniques for gaining self-esteem. I was mistaken, of course, because a psychologist cannot do something for me- she cannot make me apply techniques, and so the way I live stays the same. If I was not able to apply techniques before, I will not be able to afterward. Especially because I do not feel like a person in front of my psychologist. I feel strange, out of place... my introverted self shrieks and runs to hide. I do not want to share myself with a stranger. Why am I? I now feel compelled to out of guilt. How can I stop seeing her now? We haven't even gotten started. She doesn't know me, and I don't trust her. There's a block, and I doubt I'll move past it. She talked about taking baby steps to get forward and yet says that I will be better in 6 months. 6 months?!!! What?! I have been working on my mental difficulties for ten years, and she thinks that six months is going to undo whatever is holding me back from life? Does she think I didn't know what I was doing? I know many ways of finding peace when I am anxious. They don't always work, neither am I always able to apply them. If I were to be healed in 6 months, that would take giant steps, not baby steps. I think I would explode before I got there. Everything feels wrong. I am asked whether I want to do this or that-it is almost as though my psychologist is insecure.
I have a plan to take two months off from my current life, the psychologist, my work experience, phonecalls, rides, just about everything that bothers me. I need to relax. I need a break. That life feels out of whack. It is not what I want. When I tell people about this, some say that it will be a huge mistake, that I will lose all of my progress. Progress? What progress? I'm slipping into despair here, people! My strength is ebbing. My hope is failing. I just want to rest!
Yet, I did find at least one person to understand my need. I've been playing in the danger zone for my anxiety and stress and depression. I have to step back and re-evaluate where I am going and whether this pressure serves me in the long run. I don't like to think about long runs. :)
I am not sure this sabbatical (that's what I'm calling it) will be useful if I have to stay here with my family. There is not rest here, either. But, I have no place else to go, so I'll have to make the best of it.

The Law of Attraction- An In Depth Study

The only thing I've been doing lately is studying the Law of Attraction. It keeps pestering me, haunting me, gnawing at me. I've written about it before, because the Law is related to the idea that thoughts have power, and having OCD already leaves me believing that thoughts have power, and the only way to be free of it is to destroy that belief. I know, the Law of Attraction is supposed to be an Absolute, undeniable law/fact... pretty hard to prove that claim wrong, but it is necessary for my well-being. Years ago I was attracted to New Age beliefs. I read books by Neale Donald Walsch and Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra, and they were all fascinating books, but eventually they only spoke to the negativity in me. There's only so many times I can read "thoughts have power" before it starts to bother me. Thankfully, this study I did, by reading the book The Law of Attraction by Jerry and Esther Hicks, I have discovered that thoughts having power doesn't mean I have power over anyone else's experience. I can't kill others with a thought. I can't cause war or destruction or violence in other's live with thought. I have power over my own experience, and that has always been true, I can choose my perceptions, I can choose how to act, I can choose what to look at and what it means to me. I still cannot go so far as to say that I have brought all of my experiences to myself through the power of thought. It doesn't explain how some children are born into the world facing terrible difficulties- we can't blame their parents thoughts. We can't blame the children's thoughts. It also cannot be explained how the Law works in the case of natural disasters. Okay, why did all those people gather there? Wait, they were already living there. Did the whole community think negative thoughts?
Blaming our thoughts for the reason why negative things happen just leaves me believing that the universe punishes people. We get poverty for povery and sadness for sadness. You know, with a universe like this, humans start to look more appealing. Sometimes you can offer the world sadness and someone will come along and cheer you up. Sometimes you can be poor and think poor thoughts and never think anyone will ever help you and a kind person will give you money and a helping hand.
With the Law, the universe isn't even loving. It's just doing what it is doing. If you saw someone drowning, would you leave them there because they chose that for themself? The Law would. The Law would let the sinking sink and the rising rise, and all the broken hearted people would be doomed to forever be miserable and the happy people would be blessed with eternal bliss. I am reminded of heaven and hell. I do not believe in hell, I cannot believe in the Law, for it speaks like hell. "You chose it." "But, I didn't know what I was doing!" "Too bad, this is what you thought about, this is what you are getting."
Yet, it is hard to escape the truths of the Law of Attraction. Our ability to see the world through rose colored glasses when we are happy, and through a glass darkly when we are sad. With our perceptions altered, the world seems different, but it doesn't make it different.
I choose a universe that continuously works toward harmony and love, giving gifts regardless of attraction. We may not see them when we are down, but that doesn't mean they are not there. I see a universe where Destiny, not Attraction, is the Order to the universe. Because I must have a reason for why bad things happen, and not a bad reason. I want us to have all come to Earth to learn and grow, to experience all sides of life, all aspects of humanity, all the faces of God. I want us to be playing a game, which may look terrible and sad through human eyes at times, and rightly so, but through God's eyes be a glorious dancing of characters who do not die, just change roles, and when they feel pain, the deepness of love is reached. When do we feel the most compassion? When we see another being hurt. When do we feel forgiveness? When we have been hurt. These feelings are great and beautiful expressions of Love. I feel the Law would deny them, for it proclaims ignorance to the suffering around us, so that we do not invite it into our lives. It tells us we must be doing something wrong if we are feeling pain. While Destiny says that if we are feeling pain, it is an act in which we can grow, it is there for our Wholeness in the Grand Scheme of things.
I am very disturbed that the Law of Attraction says that the victims of rape have chosen that for themselves-IN THIS LIFE- by THINKING about it, by being afraid of it. Does not that make the universe cruel? Would you offer someone you loved deeply the thing they were most terribly afraid of? Not even for learning, but just because they were afraid? I couldn't imagine it unless I was being cruel and mean and uncaring. But, they didn't say the universe cared. At least with Destiny, if something as horrible as rape were chosen, it would be from the Higher Self, and chosen intelligently, not by mistake.
So, to prove the Law wrong, I am considering its truths and flaws. I have found it lacking in Love, and too close to a world that Monster God might create. I am treating it like a relative of eternal hell. Something that can be used to scare people into being good. Or, were I being positive, something created to make sense of the world, a gift to those who can use it without losing themselves, or their love for others.
For I do not believe man's greatest aim is joy for himself. I believe man's greatest aim is love. Love for himself and others.

Freedom in Enchantment

Recently I've been feeling quite odd. Thursday was probably the strangest and yet most beautiful day I've had in a while. I spent most of the day wandering around town wondering where I would end up. Not pressuring myself to be anywhere seemed to open a space for magic and peace. Things worked out, to my amazement, in my benefit. I went to class again, even though last week I told the teacher I was dropping out. She didn't mind if I wanted to hang out in class and learn from that experience. It led to a pretty funny exchange when the teacher didn't give me the test, and one of the other students was like "Hey, I don't want one either!" :) Well, they are not aiming for an F, are they? Nah. But, it turns out that I can't drop out anyway, not if I want to keep my financial aid. I didn't think it was still possible, but it appears it might be. Although, I will not be doing the school work, just appearing for class. I felt moved at the level of learning that was taking place when going to class wasn't something I had to do, but something I wanted to do. I'm afraid that will never be the case with homework or tests or studying. They are not for me. When peace is discovered in the absence of these things-that's a clear message! Freedom at last! Until I start worrying about that F, of course! :) I've never failed a class before. Oh, well, there's always a first time for everything. I'm not sure what damage this F will cause to my chances of getting into college again- but owing the college money is a far more immediate threat to my well-being. So, a choice between two failures-never a good place to put me! It's growing me, though.
While I was playing this game of wandering, I stepped for a few minutes into an enchanted land. I don't know why, but when I see the world as magical, it is the only time I feel at home. I feel lifted, and for a moment, I get to belong. Otherwise, I have to invent worlds to play in or play in other people's worlds. And, during my class, I was actually having fun being there-because I wasn't "supposed" to be there. I guess that is the only time when my actions feel right, when they are free of rules, boundaries, plans. They are released to be whatever they will be. No preconceptions. The events and experiences become as free as me. Perhaps this is why I reject making plans and setting goals. It takes away the beauty, it negates the enchantment. My VocRehab counselor may never understand this. Last week she asked me what my goals were. Obviously, I really don't have any. There are little seeds of ideas that grow and germinate and finally they bloom at their own time in their own space. This is the only time that action on my part flows rather than jerks about. I don't want to be a puppet. Not even a puppet on my own strings-for those will not lead me where I am going, only to where I 'think' I am going. What do I know about where I am going? I could end up anywhere. I don't want to be restricted. Yes, I understand there are limitations in life, but why else do I constantly have the feeling I don't belong here in the first place. Society's ideas leave me drained. They leave me perplexed... how could THAT be life, when it feels like death to me? I'd rather follow my meandering path than force myself along some organized goal-oriented road. Where's the fun in that? Don't remind me that I used to live by rules. :) I don't want them anymore.

Changing Life With Indecision

Well, since the las time I wrote, my life has changed. I started taking college classes, and thinking about it took up most of my time. It was as if even when I wasn't supposed to be doing my homework, it was still getting after me. This, along with other things, caused a pressure overload! I have been in a deep, dark place in my head, my seriously depressed zone. I don't write to others when there, just myself. Hopefully, I haven't lost any friends during these last few stressful weeks. It took five weeks to decide to drop my last class because I kept wondering what part of me wanted to drop out. Was it just my depression? Was it laziness? Was it a lack of responsibility? Did I really dislike college? How will others think of me? Imagine that you've spent the last 8 years at least thinking you had never accomplished anything, that you were worthless and useless and now you were even going to give up the one opportunity you've had to make something of yourself! Aaah! What a self-hating measure! But, what if dropping my classes WAS the worst mistake I could make in my life right now? How to tell?
First I discussed it with family members. Most of them thought that I should either do what made me happy, or do what made them happy. Now, this is pretty useless when I have no idea what will make me happy, nor do I have any wish to drop college to make their lives easier.
Then I talked to my friends. Well-meaning as one of them was, she was inclined to think that I should stay in college for its benefits-or at least she wanted to "encourage" me to stay in the classes even though she never heard what was going on in my life.
I think the person who encouraged me the most was the friend who listened to my troubles, offered suggestions to them, then listened to me again- I think she really tried to get down to the "What does Cassie really want to do?" I didn't know. I'm still not sure, but according to her, it's pretty clear.
I decided to write about my difficulties in my journal, and usually that just ended in a lot of spinning because I have so many points of view inside my head. When you can see things from everyone's point of view, it is tremendously hard to know which one is actually yours! It turns out that my inner self, the one that loves me, she was okay with any decision that I made. She reminded me that leaving college isn't the end of the world. That there are new adventures and new people to meet waiting beyond this frozen moment. I was/am in paralysis, but she told me that listening to my feelings-the stress, the depression, the anxiety, the fear- would tell me what I wanted, the real me, not all of my fake selves who do what they think they are "supposed" to be doing. Of course, my feelings, for the most part, said "Get the hell out of there! That's not for you yet! You're making yourself sick trying to measure up, trying to play this game you no longer have much interest in."
Did I listen? A little... and then a little more. Though, there was this persistent voice that said "But, but, but... what if, what if, what if.... you will have accomplished nothing if you stop now. You'll owe the college money you don't have for something that you never completed. That's stupid. You'll be a stupid, no good failing loser of a person if you quit. How can you do that to yourself? You are sabotaging yourself. Fight the feelings! Learn discipline! That's important. What does it matter if you get sick? At least you will have something to be proud of! Unlike now- unlike if you quit. Don't give up. You can do it. (If you stop being such a whiny baby and procrastinator.) You will lose the opportunity to study and learn with the teacher you like and a couple of the students. They could be your friends. You need more friends. You hate losing. So, don't lose."
Yuck. Who is that person? That's my self hating gremlin. He wants me to succeed-at any cost. He doesn't care about my wants-only what he thinks I "should" want. I mean, who in there right mind wants to stay at home and read and write and digest material and contemplate? Me!!! I do. I don't want to learn at someone else's pace and in someone else's manner. I hate tests. I hate homework. I hate studying. Of course, these might be necessary to get somewhere I want to go... but, if I am not sure where I am going, why is all that so important? With my low self-esteem, being judged makes me feel like I am really stupid. Although, if you talk to those who know me-they know I am bright and intelligent. I at times know this, too. But, not when I'm being judged-especially not when I'm being judged by myself. And the moment I think good or bad about myself is a moment for my self-hating to begin! Pride is not acceptable inside my head. The moment I feel I am good at something, the moment I must not be-I become frightened that it will all be taken away. And the pressure to continue being good at something ignites a part of myself that must fail. Obviously, college is not my best friend right now. Not even close.
I've been confused out of my mind. Hey, I need to hang out there for a while. There's far too much commotion on the inside.
For those of you who find yourselves in situations of indecision- for myself, listening to the love voice, the voice that doesn't put you down or deny your feelings, experience, or thoughts, helps to solidify knowledge of self and self's wants. Not right away, but after reflection and processing.
I still feel like I've been in a battle, and that I'm not quite extricated from it yet, but, I have seen the light on the other side. I have tasted self. I have discovered that it is okay to be oneself! I am afraid to lose an experience, an adventure, but all of life leads eventually to loss-little births and little deaths, and every path away and to is full of adventure and mystery. One loss isn't the end. One person I could have known better and didn't isn't detrimental to my well-being. Life is HUGE! And it's amazing. And I hope I learn to love myself, feelings, thoughts, depression, anxiety, OCD, and all. Wait... I will learn to love myself. I will. :)

What I Learned Today in Church

Originally posted on facebook on December 7th, 2008.
I went to church today quite tired. I didn't get to bed early enough and I almost decided not to bother going to church. I hadn't been since March 23rd, what was the point in going today? Well, there was a very important point, some men from Teen Challenge Vermont were there today, and I have always liked their stories and presence. They inspired me more when I was a Christian, but even not being one, I still felt God with them, I still saw His passion and His love. The first service was actually the best for me because I wasn't worn out and I felt strong in myself, in my path with God. I realized that their separation is only a part of unity, just as my unity is a part of separation. All things pass to and from each other as the Tao says. We can't have one without the other. So, they'll be dividing in unity, and I'll be uniting in division. Or something like that. In the end-if there is a end-but somewhere, unity meets separation in Oneness and we all find our way.
I learned that I can laugh even at Christian jokes, ones that would normally make me go, "AAAAGH!". And that my Father is full of abundance, is infinite in gifts. He is not poor like my earthly father, and therefore I am not poor. I may always be financially distressed, but I never have to wallow in emotionally starvation or mental weakness or spiritual hunger, because God is great, and God will provide when I seek.
I discovered today that no matter how much I feel I don't belong, I do belong with God. I do belong with my Heart and my Love and it doesn't matter whether I am a Pantheist or a Christian cause I can only be who I was meant to be, I can only follow love where love leads.
I found that my abstinance from drugs and alcohol and other 'sinful' activities is a most powerful testimony of the power of God. I have remained faithful to my God if not a religion.
Here's to You, God! My Power, my Friend.

A Few Days of Non-belief

For the past two days I have been practising non-belief. One knows how I am always saying that thoughts don't have power, but I've never been able to let go of that. Probably because two people who I am in close contact with DO believe that thoughts have power and it's hard to think for myself. There are many proofs in both directions. I would rather be free to believe what will help me, not hinder me. Practicing non-belief I have found helps me to let go. I don't have to believe in thoughts have power, I don't have to believe that thoughts don't have power. I don't have to listen to OCD, because right now, it can't touch me. This is a space of acceptance, of "whatever happens, happens." I call this practice Whatevering. :) So, far, it seems to be directly responsible for this not-quite-depressed mood. Before I decided to play in non-belief, I was so depressed I wanted nothing but death. It's hard being responsible for everything, and it's hard thinking that God doesn't really give a damn. So, I said "Okay, I'm not going to believe anymore. Not in God, not in anything. Not in prayer, not in thoughts, not in OCD." Of course, this is easier said than done, and I still believe in love, and I still give in to occasional OCD compulsions. But, not as many. It turns out that not believing in God when you actually do is not really possible. She's still there, and I still want to talk to someone! But, whatever! My little game of non-belief doesn't have to be perfect. It's a process. And it feels very much like Zen. :)

Whitie passed away on August 30th, 2008. She was my first cat. The first cat to sleep in my room. The first cat I fed and took care of. She wandered into my life in October of 1998. I have never known a more beautiful cat, and I can say this even though she was pawicapped. She only had the full use of one leg. I love her so much! I miss her! I was only 16 when we met for the first time. I hope we meet again in another life, after I pass through that curtain of death. Goodbye for now, Whitie!

Spiritual Swinging

Posted Originally on Thursday, July 17th, 2008: Today I decided to go for a swing. Swinging to me, is in itself a spiritual activity. When you are swinging, the wind rushes past your face, and you get a feeling of being moved, and then there is the sky, there in front of you, and perhaps if you swing just a bit higher, you could fly up into the clouds. I love swinging. Swinging also gains an extra aspect when you are singing while swinging. :) I happen to enjoy being able to release my feelings and thoughts in the form of a song, and alone at a playground on a swing is the perfect spot for it. If one wants to bring this whole swinging experience to it's culmination, bring along a spiritual book! I did this today, and I was reading a most beautiful chapter in a book, which in it's entirety said to me that everything happens for a grand and perfect reason, and that there really is a gift in all moments in all events, in all happenings. Sitting there on that swing, I was lifted up into the arms of a loving God, of Love itself, for I saw that He had given me a most marvelous gift in the form of that book, and in the form of events I thought were bad but had actually been blessings. I found that the people who come into our lives and harm us are the people who are teaching us our greatest and most important lessons- I learned forgiveness from a friend who gave me something to forgive! Without that opportunity, I never would have known forgiveness, never would have touched that level of love. She came into my life and gave me a gift, which seemed at the time only poison, but I see the gift clearly now. I see her love clearly now. I am able to view her true self. I thank her for her gift and give her forgiveness and offer forever my love to her.