Deconversion and the Transformation of God

I was just reading about deconversion from Christianity on a deconversion site, and it got me to thinking about my process of deconverting. Many deconverts said that they lost faith in God and heard no answer from God, so they were forced to leave Christianity. While, during my search and transition, I have not lost God- God just keeps changing. Perhaps because I have never been a complete deconvert or perhaps because my idea of God wasn't built out of concrete. I have lost my faith, it has staggered and fallen under the weight of God's incompetence. Yet, if I change the meaning of God, and change the meaning of faith and change the meaning of life, and what is "good" and what is "bad", then the structure of my religion can be rebuilt. Constantly rebuilt out of different materials. I'm not forced to say "Because this isn't true and that isn't true means there is no God." Rather, knowing that every estimation of God I have is just a perception and never a reality, I can change it with each experience I go through. If I lose faith in a personal God, I can move to an impersonal God.

When I was a child, I had one idea of God, and He was a scary man who watched over me. Jesus was a resurrected man whose words I could read, and through those words, I learned of love- a particular form of love. As I grew up, my fear of God shifted depending on how I perceived Him at the time. During severe bouts of OCD, I asked Him to strike me down if I was going to never be forgiven for blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I think I thought He just might. But, He didn't.
In my early twenties, I read Love, by Leo Buscaglia, and something in me changed. If God was Love and this was what Love was, wow! God was not to be feared. (I didn't give up on the Christian God because some ideas about Him were proven false- there are so many interpretations of biblical scriptures!) Then I met a lovely man who taught me that there was no hell- he taught me the history of words in the Bible, what Hades and Sheol meant, and how long these would last, and when God says He will save all men, He means it. This opened up a whole new world for me. I began to study the Hebrew meanings for English words, and the contex of those words. I was free of being bound to Monster God. He was only a shadow.

Without Hell, I began to see the truths in other religions. I studied Zen with a beloved friend, and found the world of non-judgment and non-duality. I saw things as they were. As I grew, my perception of God grew. I moved into Hinduism, and discovered a fascinating world of everything emanating from One Source. All of this led to a spiritual experience where I saw myself and a fly, and a tree, as all being God in form. And then Jesus became God and not just a man. As God, Jesus entered my life and I experienced Him as compassion. I did a Bible study which showed Jesus as being a funny man, a man of parties and humor, and this gave Him a new light in my eyes. I was safe with Him. That was how Jesus transformed as I did.

But, leading up to that experience, I had begun to feel out of place in church, it didn't feel right. I knew that they had only a perception of God, but it didn't help when they pretended their perception was fact. And after the experience, I felt as though I could accept their perception as their path and not mine. I was moved to tell people about my perceptions, because I didn't want to deceive others. As long as I went to their church and participated in their activities, I felt I was perpetuating a lie, yet I couldn't leave. There was still more to be learned. When I told a friend about my beliefs, she attacked me, saying Jesus would tell me he never knew me. I went through a period of pain and doubt, beginning to associate once again with their perception of God as an actual being. I was desperate to know that my path wasn't a misleading of the devil. I began to hate their God. Hate him as a monster and as something to detest and scorn. If I was going to hell, so be it. I didn't want to go to heaven and be with a cruel being such as he, nor join the literalist Christians. I fought against the doubts in my head about hell and I finally had a dream which confirmed my true beliefs. I said in that dream "I would rather die than believe in hell!" And I was free of hell, forever. Hell now is a game, a joke, I do not care if there is a hell. I will turn it into a paradise. And I know that hell is escapable, for I have been in the true hell-the perception that I am a damned, fallen, rotten being. That is hell.

I was a Christian, then a Christian Pantheist- because I still loved Christ and saw the truth in Christianity, especially liberal Christianity. But, then I met so many Christians denying my being a Christian, calling my beliefs delusions and nonsense, that I decided to drop the title. I had held it to show others that Christianity isn't what they proclaim it is. It is a religion of beauty and passion. It holds so much of the spirit- taken as a metaphor, not literal fact. If God demanded a blood sacrifice in order to forgive- no, not beauty, not truth, not love, not true forgiveness- actually, such an idea contradicts the Bible's message. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." "Love keeps no record of wrongs." "God bound all men in disobedience so he could have mercy on them all." This is where the religion starts to fit with my beliefs- in that we couldn't experience Life without the opposites. Without something to disobey, we couldn't know mercy or forgiveness. They wouldn't be experiences. Then we can see the Garden of Eden as a game God played willingly with His children (or, expressions) He gave them a law, so that they might break it. The knowledge of Good and Evil, that was entrance into the world of opposites, the bursting forth into life- which God as the Infinite already knew, but which each Child needs to choose for themself- absolute bliss, with no experience of bliss, the Great Deep, the Void, or Expression. You must express to exist. Christianity has so much to offer the world, so much! But, many people see only the literalness and they leave it behind, or they take it in another form and go back to treating people like dirt.

Now, I am a Pantheist, and for me, God is still a person. I discarded the Christian version of God-but my perception of God just... changed. Although, sometimes I still see the Old God, the Cruel One, the Destroyer, and now I am tempted to retrace the Biblical metaphors, to experience this God for who He was perceived to be, and understand His place in this Cosmic Dance. All perceptions of God are expressions of some aspect of the Divine. As some religions show, the Divine Manifestation is both wonderful and terrible. Afterall, the Divine manifests as Good and Evil, Love and Hate, Birth and Death. This seems to be the story of the Biblical God. He directly points to God as Everything. If I can see Him as an expression of the Divine, perhaps His power as the Divine Itself will fall away, and He will not trouble me anymore, but I can live in harmony with the Shadow, in acceptance of Life Living. This is what I long for now.

Talking To A Psychologist

I feel a deep pain in me. Recently, I've been seeing a psychologist. This was a step I decided to take because I want out of my misery. I want self esteem, and I felt that a psychologist could help me apply techniques for gaining self-esteem. I was mistaken, of course, because a psychologist cannot do something for me- she cannot make me apply techniques, and so the way I live stays the same. If I was not able to apply techniques before, I will not be able to afterward. Especially because I do not feel like a person in front of my psychologist. I feel strange, out of place... my introverted self shrieks and runs to hide. I do not want to share myself with a stranger. Why am I? I now feel compelled to out of guilt. How can I stop seeing her now? We haven't even gotten started. She doesn't know me, and I don't trust her. There's a block, and I doubt I'll move past it. She talked about taking baby steps to get forward and yet says that I will be better in 6 months. 6 months?!!! What?! I have been working on my mental difficulties for ten years, and she thinks that six months is going to undo whatever is holding me back from life? Does she think I didn't know what I was doing? I know many ways of finding peace when I am anxious. They don't always work, neither am I always able to apply them. If I were to be healed in 6 months, that would take giant steps, not baby steps. I think I would explode before I got there. Everything feels wrong. I am asked whether I want to do this or that-it is almost as though my psychologist is insecure.
I have a plan to take two months off from my current life, the psychologist, my work experience, phonecalls, rides, just about everything that bothers me. I need to relax. I need a break. That life feels out of whack. It is not what I want. When I tell people about this, some say that it will be a huge mistake, that I will lose all of my progress. Progress? What progress? I'm slipping into despair here, people! My strength is ebbing. My hope is failing. I just want to rest!
Yet, I did find at least one person to understand my need. I've been playing in the danger zone for my anxiety and stress and depression. I have to step back and re-evaluate where I am going and whether this pressure serves me in the long run. I don't like to think about long runs. :)
I am not sure this sabbatical (that's what I'm calling it) will be useful if I have to stay here with my family. There is not rest here, either. But, I have no place else to go, so I'll have to make the best of it.

The Law of Attraction- An In Depth Study

The only thing I've been doing lately is studying the Law of Attraction. It keeps pestering me, haunting me, gnawing at me. I've written about it before, because the Law is related to the idea that thoughts have power, and having OCD already leaves me believing that thoughts have power, and the only way to be free of it is to destroy that belief. I know, the Law of Attraction is supposed to be an Absolute, undeniable law/fact... pretty hard to prove that claim wrong, but it is necessary for my well-being. Years ago I was attracted to New Age beliefs. I read books by Neale Donald Walsch and Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra, and they were all fascinating books, but eventually they only spoke to the negativity in me. There's only so many times I can read "thoughts have power" before it starts to bother me. Thankfully, this study I did, by reading the book The Law of Attraction by Jerry and Esther Hicks, I have discovered that thoughts having power doesn't mean I have power over anyone else's experience. I can't kill others with a thought. I can't cause war or destruction or violence in other's live with thought. I have power over my own experience, and that has always been true, I can choose my perceptions, I can choose how to act, I can choose what to look at and what it means to me. I still cannot go so far as to say that I have brought all of my experiences to myself through the power of thought. It doesn't explain how some children are born into the world facing terrible difficulties- we can't blame their parents thoughts. We can't blame the children's thoughts. It also cannot be explained how the Law works in the case of natural disasters. Okay, why did all those people gather there? Wait, they were already living there. Did the whole community think negative thoughts?
Blaming our thoughts for the reason why negative things happen just leaves me believing that the universe punishes people. We get poverty for povery and sadness for sadness. You know, with a universe like this, humans start to look more appealing. Sometimes you can offer the world sadness and someone will come along and cheer you up. Sometimes you can be poor and think poor thoughts and never think anyone will ever help you and a kind person will give you money and a helping hand.
With the Law, the universe isn't even loving. It's just doing what it is doing. If you saw someone drowning, would you leave them there because they chose that for themself? The Law would. The Law would let the sinking sink and the rising rise, and all the broken hearted people would be doomed to forever be miserable and the happy people would be blessed with eternal bliss. I am reminded of heaven and hell. I do not believe in hell, I cannot believe in the Law, for it speaks like hell. "You chose it." "But, I didn't know what I was doing!" "Too bad, this is what you thought about, this is what you are getting."
Yet, it is hard to escape the truths of the Law of Attraction. Our ability to see the world through rose colored glasses when we are happy, and through a glass darkly when we are sad. With our perceptions altered, the world seems different, but it doesn't make it different.
I choose a universe that continuously works toward harmony and love, giving gifts regardless of attraction. We may not see them when we are down, but that doesn't mean they are not there. I see a universe where Destiny, not Attraction, is the Order to the universe. Because I must have a reason for why bad things happen, and not a bad reason. I want us to have all come to Earth to learn and grow, to experience all sides of life, all aspects of humanity, all the faces of God. I want us to be playing a game, which may look terrible and sad through human eyes at times, and rightly so, but through God's eyes be a glorious dancing of characters who do not die, just change roles, and when they feel pain, the deepness of love is reached. When do we feel the most compassion? When we see another being hurt. When do we feel forgiveness? When we have been hurt. These feelings are great and beautiful expressions of Love. I feel the Law would deny them, for it proclaims ignorance to the suffering around us, so that we do not invite it into our lives. It tells us we must be doing something wrong if we are feeling pain. While Destiny says that if we are feeling pain, it is an act in which we can grow, it is there for our Wholeness in the Grand Scheme of things.
I am very disturbed that the Law of Attraction says that the victims of rape have chosen that for themselves-IN THIS LIFE- by THINKING about it, by being afraid of it. Does not that make the universe cruel? Would you offer someone you loved deeply the thing they were most terribly afraid of? Not even for learning, but just because they were afraid? I couldn't imagine it unless I was being cruel and mean and uncaring. But, they didn't say the universe cared. At least with Destiny, if something as horrible as rape were chosen, it would be from the Higher Self, and chosen intelligently, not by mistake.
So, to prove the Law wrong, I am considering its truths and flaws. I have found it lacking in Love, and too close to a world that Monster God might create. I am treating it like a relative of eternal hell. Something that can be used to scare people into being good. Or, were I being positive, something created to make sense of the world, a gift to those who can use it without losing themselves, or their love for others.
For I do not believe man's greatest aim is joy for himself. I believe man's greatest aim is love. Love for himself and others.

Freedom in Enchantment

Recently I've been feeling quite odd. Thursday was probably the strangest and yet most beautiful day I've had in a while. I spent most of the day wandering around town wondering where I would end up. Not pressuring myself to be anywhere seemed to open a space for magic and peace. Things worked out, to my amazement, in my benefit. I went to class again, even though last week I told the teacher I was dropping out. She didn't mind if I wanted to hang out in class and learn from that experience. It led to a pretty funny exchange when the teacher didn't give me the test, and one of the other students was like "Hey, I don't want one either!" :) Well, they are not aiming for an F, are they? Nah. But, it turns out that I can't drop out anyway, not if I want to keep my financial aid. I didn't think it was still possible, but it appears it might be. Although, I will not be doing the school work, just appearing for class. I felt moved at the level of learning that was taking place when going to class wasn't something I had to do, but something I wanted to do. I'm afraid that will never be the case with homework or tests or studying. They are not for me. When peace is discovered in the absence of these things-that's a clear message! Freedom at last! Until I start worrying about that F, of course! :) I've never failed a class before. Oh, well, there's always a first time for everything. I'm not sure what damage this F will cause to my chances of getting into college again- but owing the college money is a far more immediate threat to my well-being. So, a choice between two failures-never a good place to put me! It's growing me, though.
While I was playing this game of wandering, I stepped for a few minutes into an enchanted land. I don't know why, but when I see the world as magical, it is the only time I feel at home. I feel lifted, and for a moment, I get to belong. Otherwise, I have to invent worlds to play in or play in other people's worlds. And, during my class, I was actually having fun being there-because I wasn't "supposed" to be there. I guess that is the only time when my actions feel right, when they are free of rules, boundaries, plans. They are released to be whatever they will be. No preconceptions. The events and experiences become as free as me. Perhaps this is why I reject making plans and setting goals. It takes away the beauty, it negates the enchantment. My VocRehab counselor may never understand this. Last week she asked me what my goals were. Obviously, I really don't have any. There are little seeds of ideas that grow and germinate and finally they bloom at their own time in their own space. This is the only time that action on my part flows rather than jerks about. I don't want to be a puppet. Not even a puppet on my own strings-for those will not lead me where I am going, only to where I 'think' I am going. What do I know about where I am going? I could end up anywhere. I don't want to be restricted. Yes, I understand there are limitations in life, but why else do I constantly have the feeling I don't belong here in the first place. Society's ideas leave me drained. They leave me perplexed... how could THAT be life, when it feels like death to me? I'd rather follow my meandering path than force myself along some organized goal-oriented road. Where's the fun in that? Don't remind me that I used to live by rules. :) I don't want them anymore.

Changing Life With Indecision

Well, since the las time I wrote, my life has changed. I started taking college classes, and thinking about it took up most of my time. It was as if even when I wasn't supposed to be doing my homework, it was still getting after me. This, along with other things, caused a pressure overload! I have been in a deep, dark place in my head, my seriously depressed zone. I don't write to others when there, just myself. Hopefully, I haven't lost any friends during these last few stressful weeks. It took five weeks to decide to drop my last class because I kept wondering what part of me wanted to drop out. Was it just my depression? Was it laziness? Was it a lack of responsibility? Did I really dislike college? How will others think of me? Imagine that you've spent the last 8 years at least thinking you had never accomplished anything, that you were worthless and useless and now you were even going to give up the one opportunity you've had to make something of yourself! Aaah! What a self-hating measure! But, what if dropping my classes WAS the worst mistake I could make in my life right now? How to tell?
First I discussed it with family members. Most of them thought that I should either do what made me happy, or do what made them happy. Now, this is pretty useless when I have no idea what will make me happy, nor do I have any wish to drop college to make their lives easier.
Then I talked to my friends. Well-meaning as one of them was, she was inclined to think that I should stay in college for its benefits-or at least she wanted to "encourage" me to stay in the classes even though she never heard what was going on in my life.
I think the person who encouraged me the most was the friend who listened to my troubles, offered suggestions to them, then listened to me again- I think she really tried to get down to the "What does Cassie really want to do?" I didn't know. I'm still not sure, but according to her, it's pretty clear.
I decided to write about my difficulties in my journal, and usually that just ended in a lot of spinning because I have so many points of view inside my head. When you can see things from everyone's point of view, it is tremendously hard to know which one is actually yours! It turns out that my inner self, the one that loves me, she was okay with any decision that I made. She reminded me that leaving college isn't the end of the world. That there are new adventures and new people to meet waiting beyond this frozen moment. I was/am in paralysis, but she told me that listening to my feelings-the stress, the depression, the anxiety, the fear- would tell me what I wanted, the real me, not all of my fake selves who do what they think they are "supposed" to be doing. Of course, my feelings, for the most part, said "Get the hell out of there! That's not for you yet! You're making yourself sick trying to measure up, trying to play this game you no longer have much interest in."
Did I listen? A little... and then a little more. Though, there was this persistent voice that said "But, but, but... what if, what if, what if.... you will have accomplished nothing if you stop now. You'll owe the college money you don't have for something that you never completed. That's stupid. You'll be a stupid, no good failing loser of a person if you quit. How can you do that to yourself? You are sabotaging yourself. Fight the feelings! Learn discipline! That's important. What does it matter if you get sick? At least you will have something to be proud of! Unlike now- unlike if you quit. Don't give up. You can do it. (If you stop being such a whiny baby and procrastinator.) You will lose the opportunity to study and learn with the teacher you like and a couple of the students. They could be your friends. You need more friends. You hate losing. So, don't lose."
Yuck. Who is that person? That's my self hating gremlin. He wants me to succeed-at any cost. He doesn't care about my wants-only what he thinks I "should" want. I mean, who in there right mind wants to stay at home and read and write and digest material and contemplate? Me!!! I do. I don't want to learn at someone else's pace and in someone else's manner. I hate tests. I hate homework. I hate studying. Of course, these might be necessary to get somewhere I want to go... but, if I am not sure where I am going, why is all that so important? With my low self-esteem, being judged makes me feel like I am really stupid. Although, if you talk to those who know me-they know I am bright and intelligent. I at times know this, too. But, not when I'm being judged-especially not when I'm being judged by myself. And the moment I think good or bad about myself is a moment for my self-hating to begin! Pride is not acceptable inside my head. The moment I feel I am good at something, the moment I must not be-I become frightened that it will all be taken away. And the pressure to continue being good at something ignites a part of myself that must fail. Obviously, college is not my best friend right now. Not even close.
I've been confused out of my mind. Hey, I need to hang out there for a while. There's far too much commotion on the inside.
For those of you who find yourselves in situations of indecision- for myself, listening to the love voice, the voice that doesn't put you down or deny your feelings, experience, or thoughts, helps to solidify knowledge of self and self's wants. Not right away, but after reflection and processing.
I still feel like I've been in a battle, and that I'm not quite extricated from it yet, but, I have seen the light on the other side. I have tasted self. I have discovered that it is okay to be oneself! I am afraid to lose an experience, an adventure, but all of life leads eventually to loss-little births and little deaths, and every path away and to is full of adventure and mystery. One loss isn't the end. One person I could have known better and didn't isn't detrimental to my well-being. Life is HUGE! And it's amazing. And I hope I learn to love myself, feelings, thoughts, depression, anxiety, OCD, and all. Wait... I will learn to love myself. I will. :)

What I Learned Today in Church

Originally posted on facebook on December 7th, 2008.
I went to church today quite tired. I didn't get to bed early enough and I almost decided not to bother going to church. I hadn't been since March 23rd, what was the point in going today? Well, there was a very important point, some men from Teen Challenge Vermont were there today, and I have always liked their stories and presence. They inspired me more when I was a Christian, but even not being one, I still felt God with them, I still saw His passion and His love. The first service was actually the best for me because I wasn't worn out and I felt strong in myself, in my path with God. I realized that their separation is only a part of unity, just as my unity is a part of separation. All things pass to and from each other as the Tao says. We can't have one without the other. So, they'll be dividing in unity, and I'll be uniting in division. Or something like that. In the end-if there is a end-but somewhere, unity meets separation in Oneness and we all find our way.
I learned that I can laugh even at Christian jokes, ones that would normally make me go, "AAAAGH!". And that my Father is full of abundance, is infinite in gifts. He is not poor like my earthly father, and therefore I am not poor. I may always be financially distressed, but I never have to wallow in emotionally starvation or mental weakness or spiritual hunger, because God is great, and God will provide when I seek.
I discovered today that no matter how much I feel I don't belong, I do belong with God. I do belong with my Heart and my Love and it doesn't matter whether I am a Pantheist or a Christian cause I can only be who I was meant to be, I can only follow love where love leads.
I found that my abstinance from drugs and alcohol and other 'sinful' activities is a most powerful testimony of the power of God. I have remained faithful to my God if not a religion.
Here's to You, God! My Power, my Friend.

A Few Days of Non-belief

For the past two days I have been practising non-belief. One knows how I am always saying that thoughts don't have power, but I've never been able to let go of that. Probably because two people who I am in close contact with DO believe that thoughts have power and it's hard to think for myself. There are many proofs in both directions. I would rather be free to believe what will help me, not hinder me. Practicing non-belief I have found helps me to let go. I don't have to believe in thoughts have power, I don't have to believe that thoughts don't have power. I don't have to listen to OCD, because right now, it can't touch me. This is a space of acceptance, of "whatever happens, happens." I call this practice Whatevering. :) So, far, it seems to be directly responsible for this not-quite-depressed mood. Before I decided to play in non-belief, I was so depressed I wanted nothing but death. It's hard being responsible for everything, and it's hard thinking that God doesn't really give a damn. So, I said "Okay, I'm not going to believe anymore. Not in God, not in anything. Not in prayer, not in thoughts, not in OCD." Of course, this is easier said than done, and I still believe in love, and I still give in to occasional OCD compulsions. But, not as many. It turns out that not believing in God when you actually do is not really possible. She's still there, and I still want to talk to someone! But, whatever! My little game of non-belief doesn't have to be perfect. It's a process. And it feels very much like Zen. :)