Life is strange. When my cat was sick, I was sad and worried about her, but I did not really get lost in myself or my depression. And now that she is better, my mind has rewired itself, easily, to its favorite pattern. I do not know how to live without being depressed, unless there is something to do that will entertain my brain enough to forget me. Does this lead me in the direction of caring more about others than myself? I thought about that, how it would feel, whether I love anyone enough to live my life for them, and erase this self who is of no use to any person, animal, or object. While I am depressed, I see the question as an enemy. I do not want to lose who I am. Yet, who am I when I am lost, without an anchor, without hope, without purpose, meaning, or happiness? I am the bitter foe of everyone. Especially the inhabitor of my body. What shall I do today? Nothing. Nothing feels "right". Nothing is fun. It is all work. Thinking is work, feeling is work, playing is work, going places is work, writing is work, reading is work.... goodbye energy. Let me just sleep and dream and stay there until the world becomes what I need to survive. What is that? I am not sure.
Yesterday, a part of me wanted to go to church. To listen, to sing. But, that would entail work. Loss of sleep. Seeing people. I considered writing my own sermon. Guess what I eventually considered that? Yep, work. This state of mind is killing me. I am insane and not getting any saner. Cut me out of my shell, break me open. I will play in the world as though it is me, but the real me is protesting, wanting to hide. There is no safety. There is no place free of expectations and demands. I remain a slave. A slave to psuedolove. A slave to fear.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Promises?
The second week of the God Sightings journal did not speak to me as the new beginnings had. It only said, "Promises kept". What promises? Did God make me promises? I am not too sure about that. Biblically, God made covenants with men, but those men were not I. As I have written in another post, God has been inconsistent when it comes to being trustworthy. Of course, I am talking about trusting Him with security- physical, mental, monetary, material. There is no security with God. One is not promised a healthy, happy life, nor to be protected from pain. However, what of the promise "Ask and it is given."? If I ask for healing and it is not given, has God broken the covenant He made? "Ask and it will be considered." would be a more appropriate promise. It wouldn't leave me hopeless and feeling betrayed when things don't seem to work out. Here it what I feel God has promised me, if He has made them, not in a verbal way, but each of these has proven true throughout the years:
1. I will always be with you.
2. I will grant you passage into the unknown.
3. I will teach, speak, and dance in all things.
4. I will be found in Silence.
5. I will give you questions and answers.
God will remain an enigma. Who, or What is God? And why would God need to make promises? We look for promises because we are looking for assurances. Will God always be with me? Well, He says so, it has to be true! But, what happens when it seems God has abandoned us, left us to our misery, turned His face from us in anger? Can we trust His promise then? No. Trusting a promise is a matter of faith, and I only list the promises I have because they are always true for me, because of who God is to me. My perception of God makes what I say, for me, true. If God were an apple and he promised to be an orange, we couldn't trust that. There is evidence against apples becoming oranges. But, if God were an apple seed and promised to become an apple, that we could rely on.
1. I will always be with you.
2. I will grant you passage into the unknown.
3. I will teach, speak, and dance in all things.
4. I will be found in Silence.
5. I will give you questions and answers.
God will remain an enigma. Who, or What is God? And why would God need to make promises? We look for promises because we are looking for assurances. Will God always be with me? Well, He says so, it has to be true! But, what happens when it seems God has abandoned us, left us to our misery, turned His face from us in anger? Can we trust His promise then? No. Trusting a promise is a matter of faith, and I only list the promises I have because they are always true for me, because of who God is to me. My perception of God makes what I say, for me, true. If God were an apple and he promised to be an orange, we couldn't trust that. There is evidence against apples becoming oranges. But, if God were an apple seed and promised to become an apple, that we could rely on.
I once considered that the only faith that wouldn't wither or be riddled with doubt was faith in the unknown. We can have no security blanket. But, I want it, I want it so much that I search for it with desperate longing. I want to trust God. Is this supposed to be achieved by studying the Bible and the promises kept? I don't think about promises when I think about trust. I think about truth and lies. Is God Love? Not Biblically. One can't trust that God will be gentle, understanding, or compassionate. You can't give trust to someone who will turn on you the moment you are having a bad day. Sure, God kept THAT promise, but what did it matter when all of those people were slaughtered beforehand? Is God a fair-weathered friend? "I keep all of my promises." That's nice, but can I trust you? "Of course, I keep all of my promises, didn't I just tell you that you moron? I promise to kill you. I promise to bring harm upon you. I promise to destroy everything in my path..." Um, woops. I'd really rather those promises were not kept, wouldn't you? And how about a favorite promise "I promise to love you if..."
Anyway, I have seen God in this God Sighting week, but not in promises, not exactly. I have seen Him where He always is, in trees and cats and people and books and beauty and love and laughter and smiles and snow and sparkles and lights and clouds. I see Him when I reach out in thought and call God my Beloved or my Lover, for God is my only confidant. I love His utter magnificence and glory. God doesn't need to make me promises. All I want is to be able to touch His hand and stroke Her face and feel Their breath upon my flesh. And God still works bigheartedness into my life. I have seen God in a painful dificulty that has plagued me for a week. This pain gave me a poem. It opened me further. I am at once grateful and annoyed with it. :)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
New Beginnings
I just started a weekly God Sightings study. The theme for this week is basically, New Beginnings. It fits snugly into the New Year. When I turned to the headline, it said "The start of something big..." And I was invisibly smacked on the top of the head! Big! A word I have been running into lately. Bigheartedness. That is what wants to start-or at least continue in process, as does everything which appears to be starting. A new day is really connected to all other days, a new moment to all other moments, a new year to all other years.
I had to write it down, bigheartedness. Why did it keep pestering me? I certainly didn't mind the word, but at times I minded the implication the bigheartedness is paramount- more important, better than, smallheartedness. Another place to climb the ladder toward perfection. I balk at that ladder. I do not want to climb up anything. Too much work, and I'd probably start wheezing. :) Bigheartedness reminds me of the Grinch. His heart was three times too small. He did not work to become bighearted, it happened as a natural result of expanding his awareness. Even that he did not choose. There was no striving. He opened, like a flower, in his own time. I lean toward that beginning, the new beginning which started upon our birth, the growth of ourselves. Each moment our awareness grows, we see anew, with fresh insights. I ask God for an expanding heart. A heart with opening arms, welcoming more and more. An inviting heart. A heart accepting of new moments and unexpected results. A heart waiting, longing for mystery.
In the study, there are daily Bible readings, and I thought about doing those, but you know me and the Bible. It feels like a part of me is being ripped apart if I read too much. Maybe something is trying to open, and I am holding the door closed. I don't want to open to the Bible. I don't want to let it in. When I do, the pain often becomes unbearable. Yet, during my study of the Bible over the years, I have gained wisdom, I have gained strength, and trust in God. I have tried different ways of reading the Bible- Ignation Contemplation, praying the psalms, rewriting the text to relate to me- each of these has grown me in some way. Perhaps this new year is also a new beginning for my relationship with the Bible, which technically began last year. I halted when the depression became too much. I am terrified to enter that realm again. How much internal torment can I withstand? I do know where it leads. It leads to the Void, to the emptying of self. However, when I read, it feels like someone else is tearing me from myself, while I wish to empty willingly, not forcefully. Gracefully. If the door to the Void opens full swing, I shall be sucked in and be destroyed. For those of you who don't understand the pain, it is the depths of not being good enough. It is the screams of thousands of people who weren't worth anything to God. It is my own hatred of that monster welling up inside my heart. I break because I can't fathom that evil pouring through me. Telling me it is good. One must empty completely to admit the oxymoronic and paradoxical qualities of God. Many do not. I see surface dwellers. They stop at the edge and watch me drowning in nothingness. They are blind to the Ocean of Suffering.
A new beginning may also retrieve me from this darkness. May set me free. Or, as in the recent rediscovery of the meaning of my name, I can newly appreciate the Dark, which is my natural habitat. I was named to see into the dark. To witness the experience of the Void. I can open to it, knowing it is my destiny, for it is in my name.
I had to write it down, bigheartedness. Why did it keep pestering me? I certainly didn't mind the word, but at times I minded the implication the bigheartedness is paramount- more important, better than, smallheartedness. Another place to climb the ladder toward perfection. I balk at that ladder. I do not want to climb up anything. Too much work, and I'd probably start wheezing. :) Bigheartedness reminds me of the Grinch. His heart was three times too small. He did not work to become bighearted, it happened as a natural result of expanding his awareness. Even that he did not choose. There was no striving. He opened, like a flower, in his own time. I lean toward that beginning, the new beginning which started upon our birth, the growth of ourselves. Each moment our awareness grows, we see anew, with fresh insights. I ask God for an expanding heart. A heart with opening arms, welcoming more and more. An inviting heart. A heart accepting of new moments and unexpected results. A heart waiting, longing for mystery.
In the study, there are daily Bible readings, and I thought about doing those, but you know me and the Bible. It feels like a part of me is being ripped apart if I read too much. Maybe something is trying to open, and I am holding the door closed. I don't want to open to the Bible. I don't want to let it in. When I do, the pain often becomes unbearable. Yet, during my study of the Bible over the years, I have gained wisdom, I have gained strength, and trust in God. I have tried different ways of reading the Bible- Ignation Contemplation, praying the psalms, rewriting the text to relate to me- each of these has grown me in some way. Perhaps this new year is also a new beginning for my relationship with the Bible, which technically began last year. I halted when the depression became too much. I am terrified to enter that realm again. How much internal torment can I withstand? I do know where it leads. It leads to the Void, to the emptying of self. However, when I read, it feels like someone else is tearing me from myself, while I wish to empty willingly, not forcefully. Gracefully. If the door to the Void opens full swing, I shall be sucked in and be destroyed. For those of you who don't understand the pain, it is the depths of not being good enough. It is the screams of thousands of people who weren't worth anything to God. It is my own hatred of that monster welling up inside my heart. I break because I can't fathom that evil pouring through me. Telling me it is good. One must empty completely to admit the oxymoronic and paradoxical qualities of God. Many do not. I see surface dwellers. They stop at the edge and watch me drowning in nothingness. They are blind to the Ocean of Suffering.
A new beginning may also retrieve me from this darkness. May set me free. Or, as in the recent rediscovery of the meaning of my name, I can newly appreciate the Dark, which is my natural habitat. I was named to see into the dark. To witness the experience of the Void. I can open to it, knowing it is my destiny, for it is in my name.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
A Unfinished Post on OCD
I thought eventually I could leave "thoughts have power" behind, but my OCD won't let go of it. Of course not, without it, many of my obsessions would flounder and die out. They'd have no hold, for the grasp of OCD is to tell one that they HAVE to play along or something bad will happen. I went searching online for something to read about OCD which would calm the storm within, but, no there just doesn't seem to be enough research. They list the raw facts, but I need more, I need compassion. I read "It's not your fault." That was one of the best sentences I found. Those without the disorder are always claiming that my thoughts are my fault and that somehow I SHOULD have control over them.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
To Be Humble
I have been thinking and studying about denial of self and humility. It has been said that the fully mature person thinks about others before themselves. They think of themselves below others. Perhaps that is full maturity, because when we are fully mature, we are completed, done, finished, ended, whole. There is no more need for self. But, we are not fully mature, and I think that is not our aim. Our aim is to be always maturing, growing, learning, never done, always immature. The goal is in the reaching, in the journey to maturity, not in maturity itself. I think that humility is knowledge of our humanity, acceptance of who we are, our weaknesses, frailties, our sins. It is not in denial of self but in being human. A verse that is used to proclaim that we give up ourselves is Phillipians 2:6-7. "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made Himself nothing." (NIV) Jesus became nothing in comparison to the fullness of Godhood. What did He become? A human being. How could He make Himself nothing? He knew exactly who He was but did not grasp at it, He did not lord it over others. How do we become nothing? By knowing who we are-whether this be a beloved child of God or an expression of God, and letting it go to be fully human, because that is who we are being right now. The Great Commands said "Love God with your whole heart, whole mind, whole strength, and whole soul." Love God as ourselves, not in denial of ourselves. And guess what? The second command is to love our neighbors AS ourselves. Not above ourselves, not beneath ourselves, AS ourselves. I think that is an important distinction. When we are ourselves, when we love God as ourselves, we can love others as ourselves. That means seeing them as humans. Compassion, compassion, compassion, is what comes to mind when I think of loving others as ourselves, and even, loving ourselves as others. We are not separate. To be humble is to be human together. To be in humiliation is to be debased, denied, and rejected. I did not know until recently that there could actually be joy in God's commands, but they are really just the ways of love. All that is needed for humility is the fulfilled Law, and perhaps "everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial." (1 Corinthians 6:12 NIV, paraphrased.) To be humble is to live in love. I will serve others with my all when I am my all. All of myself goes into God's work. He uses weaknesses as well as strengths. When we have become aware of love, and are living along love's way, when are our wants harmful to others? When are our wants a hazard to human relationships? If we are loving, our wants, our desires, our lives are aligned with beneficiality to others. When we are not loving, when we are "selfish", we are neither loving ourselves nor others. So, I say, don't give yourself away, embrace your entirety, and in doing so, you embrace everyone else.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Disciple "Making" and Commitments
Recently I went to a meeting based upon disciple making. I was intrigued by the concept and went out of curiousity. I knew I did not want to be a disciple maker, I want to be a disciple. Perhaps in the art of disciple making, they might show the art of being a disciple in this day and age. Assigments were given, to pray everyday, to read the Bible everyday, to write in a journal and to read a book about evangelism. One of my major difficulties is the inability to fare well with commitments. For, a commitment is an obligation, a forced plan that I can not waver from without being held accountable. It turns whatever I do into rotten fruit. I must do things through want and love, not out of commitment. A friend told me that this might be an opportunity from God to overcome my problems with commitment, but I highly doubt it.
The Bible reading began smoothly enough, but fell apart after a few days. I wondered what the point was in reading the Bible every single day. If I journaled every day, the entries would be near to worthless. I follow inspiration, emotion, and passion. If it is not there, then it is dull work. So, I do not journal every day, and the entries that come forth are normally full and whole and edible. While, the Bible, day after day, becomes more and more fruitless to my searching grasp. The sermon following this disaster on my part (I didn't stop reading the Bible, though.) included a few words on why someone would want to read the Bible. Many times in the psalms, it says the commands of the Lord are good to read, they bring joy and wisdom and insight. Really? How so? When I read the Bible, I find pain and judgment and fear and sadness and death and plagues and war and... where is the joy? Where is the insight? Where the wisdom? "Dear God, whose love endures forever... please kill all my enemies... praise to the Lord, who mercies never fail... please pour out your wrath and anger upon my foes." Um... joyful to me? No, enemies are people, too.
Buried beneath it all somewhere, somewhere, is the path to the Great Lover, the one who loved us all from the beginning, of whom we are His Sacred Temple and His living breath. I feel too weak to search through all the rubble of broken bodies and bloody sacrifices, looking for my Beloved. I find my Beloved in the presence of Love, in His words on earth today, people, clouds, snow, rain, animals, trees... these "scriptures" of God are full of joy and insight and love. If I were told to read God's words every day, to look into His eyes everyday and fall into His arms every night, to hold His hand and stroke His hair and spend time with Him every day... that would bring what they say the Bible brings. Yet, I heard that not wanting to read the Bible means you don't want wisdom or joy or insight.
To pray every day also ran into hazards. I know why it causes me distress, it is because of my OCD, and the doubts I have and the terrible fear I have that my thoughts will come true. To believe in prayer is to believe that my thoughts have some affect upon the world, and to believe that is my doom. The truest prayer that I can give without running into this is the prayer that means talking to God, just... talking. Holding my heart open to Him. Being with Him. Listening to Him. Isn't this all a form of prayer?
And thinking about this, maybe that is the true commitment, for it is one of the ideas behind discipleship-association with Jesus Christ. That must be what Bible reading, prayer, and fellowship with believers is all about- Communion. Living in Christ, for Christ, living in Love, with God. To me, it is all the same. Disciple making isn't coercion. It isn't forcing beliefs upon someone or making them do anything. It is modeling Jesus. It is holding out the fruits of our communication and connection with God. Offering love. Love is the essence of discipleship. Teach love, and you are teaching about God. For whoever lives in love lives in God. God is Love. Christ is love. It is all wrapped up, bound in perfect unity, in love.
It isn't about a commitment to the Bible, but about a commitment to God.
Along the same lines is the idea to abound more and more in love and in knowledge and understanding of love. To some, this means to spend more and more time with others and less and less time alone, but I think this is more of a personal choice. Does your love grow in community with others more than it grows alone? Or, like me, does your love grow more alone, to be shared in community with others? None of us can ever really be alone. For God is with each and every one of us, always. To grow in love is to spend more and more time with God. This can be accomplished with people, but also with cats! And with books, and with pencils, and with microwaves and washing machines and toilets. Yet, they might think this a crazy thing, but, I have been crazy for many years now. Find God in all things, and Love can also be found in all things. Again, the truth of the matter reveals itself, less and less alone doesn't mean less and less "solitude", but less and less of an idea that you are ever alone! :) God is everywhere. Love grows everywhere with an awareness of love. Invite God into your homes, and you will see He was there all along.
One last note on disciple making and all that the recent studies have brought to the surface.
Disciple making I have read, is about taking a new convert under wing, and helping them to mature in Christ. I want to add that it is not about pretending you know more than the person you wish to support. It is about guidance, not superiority. The new convert has something to teach as well. Everyone has gifts from God, and if people become to hooked on being the leader instead of a guide and friend and support system, they may lose sight of the gifts offered.
The Bible reading began smoothly enough, but fell apart after a few days. I wondered what the point was in reading the Bible every single day. If I journaled every day, the entries would be near to worthless. I follow inspiration, emotion, and passion. If it is not there, then it is dull work. So, I do not journal every day, and the entries that come forth are normally full and whole and edible. While, the Bible, day after day, becomes more and more fruitless to my searching grasp. The sermon following this disaster on my part (I didn't stop reading the Bible, though.) included a few words on why someone would want to read the Bible. Many times in the psalms, it says the commands of the Lord are good to read, they bring joy and wisdom and insight. Really? How so? When I read the Bible, I find pain and judgment and fear and sadness and death and plagues and war and... where is the joy? Where is the insight? Where the wisdom? "Dear God, whose love endures forever... please kill all my enemies... praise to the Lord, who mercies never fail... please pour out your wrath and anger upon my foes." Um... joyful to me? No, enemies are people, too.
Buried beneath it all somewhere, somewhere, is the path to the Great Lover, the one who loved us all from the beginning, of whom we are His Sacred Temple and His living breath. I feel too weak to search through all the rubble of broken bodies and bloody sacrifices, looking for my Beloved. I find my Beloved in the presence of Love, in His words on earth today, people, clouds, snow, rain, animals, trees... these "scriptures" of God are full of joy and insight and love. If I were told to read God's words every day, to look into His eyes everyday and fall into His arms every night, to hold His hand and stroke His hair and spend time with Him every day... that would bring what they say the Bible brings. Yet, I heard that not wanting to read the Bible means you don't want wisdom or joy or insight.
To pray every day also ran into hazards. I know why it causes me distress, it is because of my OCD, and the doubts I have and the terrible fear I have that my thoughts will come true. To believe in prayer is to believe that my thoughts have some affect upon the world, and to believe that is my doom. The truest prayer that I can give without running into this is the prayer that means talking to God, just... talking. Holding my heart open to Him. Being with Him. Listening to Him. Isn't this all a form of prayer?
And thinking about this, maybe that is the true commitment, for it is one of the ideas behind discipleship-association with Jesus Christ. That must be what Bible reading, prayer, and fellowship with believers is all about- Communion. Living in Christ, for Christ, living in Love, with God. To me, it is all the same. Disciple making isn't coercion. It isn't forcing beliefs upon someone or making them do anything. It is modeling Jesus. It is holding out the fruits of our communication and connection with God. Offering love. Love is the essence of discipleship. Teach love, and you are teaching about God. For whoever lives in love lives in God. God is Love. Christ is love. It is all wrapped up, bound in perfect unity, in love.
It isn't about a commitment to the Bible, but about a commitment to God.
Along the same lines is the idea to abound more and more in love and in knowledge and understanding of love. To some, this means to spend more and more time with others and less and less time alone, but I think this is more of a personal choice. Does your love grow in community with others more than it grows alone? Or, like me, does your love grow more alone, to be shared in community with others? None of us can ever really be alone. For God is with each and every one of us, always. To grow in love is to spend more and more time with God. This can be accomplished with people, but also with cats! And with books, and with pencils, and with microwaves and washing machines and toilets. Yet, they might think this a crazy thing, but, I have been crazy for many years now. Find God in all things, and Love can also be found in all things. Again, the truth of the matter reveals itself, less and less alone doesn't mean less and less "solitude", but less and less of an idea that you are ever alone! :) God is everywhere. Love grows everywhere with an awareness of love. Invite God into your homes, and you will see He was there all along.
One last note on disciple making and all that the recent studies have brought to the surface.
Disciple making I have read, is about taking a new convert under wing, and helping them to mature in Christ. I want to add that it is not about pretending you know more than the person you wish to support. It is about guidance, not superiority. The new convert has something to teach as well. Everyone has gifts from God, and if people become to hooked on being the leader instead of a guide and friend and support system, they may lose sight of the gifts offered.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Deconversion and the Transformation of God
I was just reading about deconversion from Christianity on a deconversion site, and it got me to thinking about my process of deconverting. Many deconverts said that they lost faith in God and heard no answer from God, so they were forced to leave Christianity. While, during my search and transition, I have not lost God- God just keeps changing. Perhaps because I have never been a complete deconvert or perhaps because my idea of God wasn't built out of concrete. I have lost my faith, it has staggered and fallen under the weight of God's incompetence. Yet, if I change the meaning of God, and change the meaning of faith and change the meaning of life, and what is "good" and what is "bad", then the structure of my religion can be rebuilt. Constantly rebuilt out of different materials. I'm not forced to say "Because this isn't true and that isn't true means there is no God." Rather, knowing that every estimation of God I have is just a perception and never a reality, I can change it with each experience I go through. If I lose faith in a personal God, I can move to an impersonal God.
When I was a child, I had one idea of God, and He was a scary man who watched over me. Jesus was a resurrected man whose words I could read, and through those words, I learned of love- a particular form of love. As I grew up, my fear of God shifted depending on how I perceived Him at the time. During severe bouts of OCD, I asked Him to strike me down if I was going to never be forgiven for blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I think I thought He just might. But, He didn't.
In my early twenties, I read Love, by Leo Buscaglia, and something in me changed. If God was Love and this was what Love was, wow! God was not to be feared. (I didn't give up on the Christian God because some ideas about Him were proven false- there are so many interpretations of biblical scriptures!) Then I met a lovely man who taught me that there was no hell- he taught me the history of words in the Bible, what Hades and Sheol meant, and how long these would last, and when God says He will save all men, He means it. This opened up a whole new world for me. I began to study the Hebrew meanings for English words, and the contex of those words. I was free of being bound to Monster God. He was only a shadow.
Without Hell, I began to see the truths in other religions. I studied Zen with a beloved friend, and found the world of non-judgment and non-duality. I saw things as they were. As I grew, my perception of God grew. I moved into Hinduism, and discovered a fascinating world of everything emanating from One Source. All of this led to a spiritual experience where I saw myself and a fly, and a tree, as all being God in form. And then Jesus became God and not just a man. As God, Jesus entered my life and I experienced Him as compassion. I did a Bible study which showed Jesus as being a funny man, a man of parties and humor, and this gave Him a new light in my eyes. I was safe with Him. That was how Jesus transformed as I did.
But, leading up to that experience, I had begun to feel out of place in church, it didn't feel right. I knew that they had only a perception of God, but it didn't help when they pretended their perception was fact. And after the experience, I felt as though I could accept their perception as their path and not mine. I was moved to tell people about my perceptions, because I didn't want to deceive others. As long as I went to their church and participated in their activities, I felt I was perpetuating a lie, yet I couldn't leave. There was still more to be learned. When I told a friend about my beliefs, she attacked me, saying Jesus would tell me he never knew me. I went through a period of pain and doubt, beginning to associate once again with their perception of God as an actual being. I was desperate to know that my path wasn't a misleading of the devil. I began to hate their God. Hate him as a monster and as something to detest and scorn. If I was going to hell, so be it. I didn't want to go to heaven and be with a cruel being such as he, nor join the literalist Christians. I fought against the doubts in my head about hell and I finally had a dream which confirmed my true beliefs. I said in that dream "I would rather die than believe in hell!" And I was free of hell, forever. Hell now is a game, a joke, I do not care if there is a hell. I will turn it into a paradise. And I know that hell is escapable, for I have been in the true hell-the perception that I am a damned, fallen, rotten being. That is hell.
I was a Christian, then a Christian Pantheist- because I still loved Christ and saw the truth in Christianity, especially liberal Christianity. But, then I met so many Christians denying my being a Christian, calling my beliefs delusions and nonsense, that I decided to drop the title. I had held it to show others that Christianity isn't what they proclaim it is. It is a religion of beauty and passion. It holds so much of the spirit- taken as a metaphor, not literal fact. If God demanded a blood sacrifice in order to forgive- no, not beauty, not truth, not love, not true forgiveness- actually, such an idea contradicts the Bible's message. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." "Love keeps no record of wrongs." "God bound all men in disobedience so he could have mercy on them all." This is where the religion starts to fit with my beliefs- in that we couldn't experience Life without the opposites. Without something to disobey, we couldn't know mercy or forgiveness. They wouldn't be experiences. Then we can see the Garden of Eden as a game God played willingly with His children (or, expressions) He gave them a law, so that they might break it. The knowledge of Good and Evil, that was entrance into the world of opposites, the bursting forth into life- which God as the Infinite already knew, but which each Child needs to choose for themself- absolute bliss, with no experience of bliss, the Great Deep, the Void, or Expression. You must express to exist. Christianity has so much to offer the world, so much! But, many people see only the literalness and they leave it behind, or they take it in another form and go back to treating people like dirt.
Now, I am a Pantheist, and for me, God is still a person. I discarded the Christian version of God-but my perception of God just... changed. Although, sometimes I still see the Old God, the Cruel One, the Destroyer, and now I am tempted to retrace the Biblical metaphors, to experience this God for who He was perceived to be, and understand His place in this Cosmic Dance. All perceptions of God are expressions of some aspect of the Divine. As some religions show, the Divine Manifestation is both wonderful and terrible. Afterall, the Divine manifests as Good and Evil, Love and Hate, Birth and Death. This seems to be the story of the Biblical God. He directly points to God as Everything. If I can see Him as an expression of the Divine, perhaps His power as the Divine Itself will fall away, and He will not trouble me anymore, but I can live in harmony with the Shadow, in acceptance of Life Living. This is what I long for now.
When I was a child, I had one idea of God, and He was a scary man who watched over me. Jesus was a resurrected man whose words I could read, and through those words, I learned of love- a particular form of love. As I grew up, my fear of God shifted depending on how I perceived Him at the time. During severe bouts of OCD, I asked Him to strike me down if I was going to never be forgiven for blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I think I thought He just might. But, He didn't.
In my early twenties, I read Love, by Leo Buscaglia, and something in me changed. If God was Love and this was what Love was, wow! God was not to be feared. (I didn't give up on the Christian God because some ideas about Him were proven false- there are so many interpretations of biblical scriptures!) Then I met a lovely man who taught me that there was no hell- he taught me the history of words in the Bible, what Hades and Sheol meant, and how long these would last, and when God says He will save all men, He means it. This opened up a whole new world for me. I began to study the Hebrew meanings for English words, and the contex of those words. I was free of being bound to Monster God. He was only a shadow.
Without Hell, I began to see the truths in other religions. I studied Zen with a beloved friend, and found the world of non-judgment and non-duality. I saw things as they were. As I grew, my perception of God grew. I moved into Hinduism, and discovered a fascinating world of everything emanating from One Source. All of this led to a spiritual experience where I saw myself and a fly, and a tree, as all being God in form. And then Jesus became God and not just a man. As God, Jesus entered my life and I experienced Him as compassion. I did a Bible study which showed Jesus as being a funny man, a man of parties and humor, and this gave Him a new light in my eyes. I was safe with Him. That was how Jesus transformed as I did.
But, leading up to that experience, I had begun to feel out of place in church, it didn't feel right. I knew that they had only a perception of God, but it didn't help when they pretended their perception was fact. And after the experience, I felt as though I could accept their perception as their path and not mine. I was moved to tell people about my perceptions, because I didn't want to deceive others. As long as I went to their church and participated in their activities, I felt I was perpetuating a lie, yet I couldn't leave. There was still more to be learned. When I told a friend about my beliefs, she attacked me, saying Jesus would tell me he never knew me. I went through a period of pain and doubt, beginning to associate once again with their perception of God as an actual being. I was desperate to know that my path wasn't a misleading of the devil. I began to hate their God. Hate him as a monster and as something to detest and scorn. If I was going to hell, so be it. I didn't want to go to heaven and be with a cruel being such as he, nor join the literalist Christians. I fought against the doubts in my head about hell and I finally had a dream which confirmed my true beliefs. I said in that dream "I would rather die than believe in hell!" And I was free of hell, forever. Hell now is a game, a joke, I do not care if there is a hell. I will turn it into a paradise. And I know that hell is escapable, for I have been in the true hell-the perception that I am a damned, fallen, rotten being. That is hell.
I was a Christian, then a Christian Pantheist- because I still loved Christ and saw the truth in Christianity, especially liberal Christianity. But, then I met so many Christians denying my being a Christian, calling my beliefs delusions and nonsense, that I decided to drop the title. I had held it to show others that Christianity isn't what they proclaim it is. It is a religion of beauty and passion. It holds so much of the spirit- taken as a metaphor, not literal fact. If God demanded a blood sacrifice in order to forgive- no, not beauty, not truth, not love, not true forgiveness- actually, such an idea contradicts the Bible's message. "I desire mercy, not sacrifice." "Love keeps no record of wrongs." "God bound all men in disobedience so he could have mercy on them all." This is where the religion starts to fit with my beliefs- in that we couldn't experience Life without the opposites. Without something to disobey, we couldn't know mercy or forgiveness. They wouldn't be experiences. Then we can see the Garden of Eden as a game God played willingly with His children (or, expressions) He gave them a law, so that they might break it. The knowledge of Good and Evil, that was entrance into the world of opposites, the bursting forth into life- which God as the Infinite already knew, but which each Child needs to choose for themself- absolute bliss, with no experience of bliss, the Great Deep, the Void, or Expression. You must express to exist. Christianity has so much to offer the world, so much! But, many people see only the literalness and they leave it behind, or they take it in another form and go back to treating people like dirt.
Now, I am a Pantheist, and for me, God is still a person. I discarded the Christian version of God-but my perception of God just... changed. Although, sometimes I still see the Old God, the Cruel One, the Destroyer, and now I am tempted to retrace the Biblical metaphors, to experience this God for who He was perceived to be, and understand His place in this Cosmic Dance. All perceptions of God are expressions of some aspect of the Divine. As some religions show, the Divine Manifestation is both wonderful and terrible. Afterall, the Divine manifests as Good and Evil, Love and Hate, Birth and Death. This seems to be the story of the Biblical God. He directly points to God as Everything. If I can see Him as an expression of the Divine, perhaps His power as the Divine Itself will fall away, and He will not trouble me anymore, but I can live in harmony with the Shadow, in acceptance of Life Living. This is what I long for now.
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