What I Learned Today in Church

Originally posted on facebook on December 7th, 2008.
I went to church today quite tired. I didn't get to bed early enough and I almost decided not to bother going to church. I hadn't been since March 23rd, what was the point in going today? Well, there was a very important point, some men from Teen Challenge Vermont were there today, and I have always liked their stories and presence. They inspired me more when I was a Christian, but even not being one, I still felt God with them, I still saw His passion and His love. The first service was actually the best for me because I wasn't worn out and I felt strong in myself, in my path with God. I realized that their separation is only a part of unity, just as my unity is a part of separation. All things pass to and from each other as the Tao says. We can't have one without the other. So, they'll be dividing in unity, and I'll be uniting in division. Or something like that. In the end-if there is a end-but somewhere, unity meets separation in Oneness and we all find our way.
I learned that I can laugh even at Christian jokes, ones that would normally make me go, "AAAAGH!". And that my Father is full of abundance, is infinite in gifts. He is not poor like my earthly father, and therefore I am not poor. I may always be financially distressed, but I never have to wallow in emotionally starvation or mental weakness or spiritual hunger, because God is great, and God will provide when I seek.
I discovered today that no matter how much I feel I don't belong, I do belong with God. I do belong with my Heart and my Love and it doesn't matter whether I am a Pantheist or a Christian cause I can only be who I was meant to be, I can only follow love where love leads.
I found that my abstinance from drugs and alcohol and other 'sinful' activities is a most powerful testimony of the power of God. I have remained faithful to my God if not a religion.
Here's to You, God! My Power, my Friend.

A Few Days of Non-belief

For the past two days I have been practising non-belief. One knows how I am always saying that thoughts don't have power, but I've never been able to let go of that. Probably because two people who I am in close contact with DO believe that thoughts have power and it's hard to think for myself. There are many proofs in both directions. I would rather be free to believe what will help me, not hinder me. Practicing non-belief I have found helps me to let go. I don't have to believe in thoughts have power, I don't have to believe that thoughts don't have power. I don't have to listen to OCD, because right now, it can't touch me. This is a space of acceptance, of "whatever happens, happens." I call this practice Whatevering. :) So, far, it seems to be directly responsible for this not-quite-depressed mood. Before I decided to play in non-belief, I was so depressed I wanted nothing but death. It's hard being responsible for everything, and it's hard thinking that God doesn't really give a damn. So, I said "Okay, I'm not going to believe anymore. Not in God, not in anything. Not in prayer, not in thoughts, not in OCD." Of course, this is easier said than done, and I still believe in love, and I still give in to occasional OCD compulsions. But, not as many. It turns out that not believing in God when you actually do is not really possible. She's still there, and I still want to talk to someone! But, whatever! My little game of non-belief doesn't have to be perfect. It's a process. And it feels very much like Zen. :)

Whitie passed away on August 30th, 2008. She was my first cat. The first cat to sleep in my room. The first cat I fed and took care of. She wandered into my life in October of 1998. I have never known a more beautiful cat, and I can say this even though she was pawicapped. She only had the full use of one leg. I love her so much! I miss her! I was only 16 when we met for the first time. I hope we meet again in another life, after I pass through that curtain of death. Goodbye for now, Whitie!

Spiritual Swinging

Posted Originally on Thursday, July 17th, 2008: Today I decided to go for a swing. Swinging to me, is in itself a spiritual activity. When you are swinging, the wind rushes past your face, and you get a feeling of being moved, and then there is the sky, there in front of you, and perhaps if you swing just a bit higher, you could fly up into the clouds. I love swinging. Swinging also gains an extra aspect when you are singing while swinging. :) I happen to enjoy being able to release my feelings and thoughts in the form of a song, and alone at a playground on a swing is the perfect spot for it. If one wants to bring this whole swinging experience to it's culmination, bring along a spiritual book! I did this today, and I was reading a most beautiful chapter in a book, which in it's entirety said to me that everything happens for a grand and perfect reason, and that there really is a gift in all moments in all events, in all happenings. Sitting there on that swing, I was lifted up into the arms of a loving God, of Love itself, for I saw that He had given me a most marvelous gift in the form of that book, and in the form of events I thought were bad but had actually been blessings. I found that the people who come into our lives and harm us are the people who are teaching us our greatest and most important lessons- I learned forgiveness from a friend who gave me something to forgive! Without that opportunity, I never would have known forgiveness, never would have touched that level of love. She came into my life and gave me a gift, which seemed at the time only poison, but I see the gift clearly now. I see her love clearly now. I am able to view her true self. I thank her for her gift and give her forgiveness and offer forever my love to her.

Looking For God

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday and she said that the Pastor gave everyone in church a little notebook and a pen to write down whenever they see God. My first impulse was to feel a bit of envy. Hehehe. I like notebooks. I want a little notebook. Not as though I don't have enough of my own little notebooks. :) I'm a silly human being. Anyway, second, for some reason, was, "Hey, that's really cool. I'd like to notice when I see God in my life and be able to keep the memory by writing it down. It wouldn't even be as boring as my thankfulness journal." I, as a pantheist, see God at all times! However, I am not aware of Her presense at all times. I forget. I don't stop and look. But, if I did, wow! Yesterday, I saw God all over the place. He was in the lightning, He was in the fact that I got home before it stormed, I left before it stormed, I helped my dad load the car with groceries right before it stormed, we didn't get hit by lightning, no trees fell in front of the car, and we got home while it wasn't severely storming. Woo! So, thanks God, for being with me always and showing me Yourself when I am aware enough to LOOK! :) God is marvelous, and so is the idea of looking out for Her, cause whenever I look, I will see!

I Saw an Angel

I searched
in a dream game
for treasures
I found
an angel
and she spoke
in conundrums
and turned her head
and her body away
leaving the image of wings
I grabbed her
to communicate
but she was done
and the game
of life
went on.

Life is Beautiful

Now I've missed May. Oh, well. I thought it was very interesting that on Thursday morning, having gone to bed after 6 am, I got up at 8 am and found the world outside to be filled with light- light that was clean and clear and crisp, and all it touched was washed by it, even me! Oh, it was so beautiful! I felt in that light to be a part of everything and I felt free. If I had gone to church at that moment, I would have been able to laugh and not be depressed. There is no judgment in that light. Everything is okay in that light. It was marvelous to be ALIVE in that light. I wonder how the world came to seem so bright after having watched many horror shows during the night. I have no idea, but it was cool. I was happy. How often does that happen?! Not often.

I recently found a Pantheism group, which I was invited to join, and have now been reveling in being with other pantheists. I've been so lonely. There may be only one other regular visitor to that group, but that is enough. I have read pantheism quotations and read about pantheism and found that it is more diverse than I could have imagined. Pantheists range from being Atheists to Theists-with those two views of God being so separate, how could anything unite them into one religion? That which does is amazing. If there were a religion that could unite the world, I think it would be Pantheism. It is already doing a fantastic job. And you know how I love unity! Oh, it's wonderful to know that I have a religion to call home! Yay!

Guess what? I am being me! It is a lot of work to be myself, but it was harder to not be myself. You know how it feels when you are being fake? Well, I was feeling that way a lot-stifled, squashed down. Well, I thought it was time to break free, as I said in April's post. And I am doing so. Woo! It is freeing to be meing. Hehehe. :)