Fearing What You Don't Accept: An Autobiography

Today I'm going to write a little more about myself. I've had some experiences which have taught me that we fear that which we have not yet accepted. When I was 15, my sister moved out of the house, taking with her some part of myself, because after that, I wasn't the same. I didn't know who I was and I forgot many things. I became very insecure, I think I thought that if I wasn't good enough, I would also get thrown out of the house, and I was terrfied. I didn't know who to be. I don't know why, but my attempts at not acting like my sister failed, and I started to do the very things I was afraid of doing. I forgot how to wash my hands-how in the world does that happen?! To this day I am still afraid that it will happen again. I am not whole, I am still broken by these experiences. I went into tenth grade in high school and found myself more lost, because I would be afraid of doing whatever the teachers told us not to do, and because of that fear, I would lead myself right into doing what I wasn't supposed to. One thing that happened bothered me for years. I was in health class watching a video about homosexuals. They had said that people were able to tell if you were, and I became afraid that people would think I was, even though I wasn't, which of course had the effect of creating in myself the image that I was homosexual! Fear! Terror that someone would see right through me, see that I was starting to have feelings for women and not any for men. They would know, and I would be rejected. Being homosexual was considered wrong by me, so I was wrong. I was messed up. I was lost. I kept this as a deep dark secret until I finally started to accept who I really am, and that is not a homosexual. That was a mistaken identity. And the only way to see who I really was was to accept that it is okay to be homosexual. It's totally natural. There's nothing wrong with it at all. I accept the sexual feelings I have for women as well as the ones I have for men, now that I have accepted myself and others. I am free of that fear now. But, other fears came upon me, too, that I have yet to overcome because I have not accepted them. Because I have not accepted them as a part of me, I cannot even share them with you, for fear I will be rejected. See, I have difficulties with my sexual part of myself. I am frightened of her. She has feelings for many people that I don't think she should be feeling that way about. I reject her, so I cannot be free. So, I dealt with a lot of confusion on the matter of my sexuality. I remember watching a movie during that time when a woman was talking about being raped, and I was being aroused by that, and it was so shameful to me that I ran away to cry and pretended I was using the bathroom so they wouldn't know it had bothered me. I also had trouble writing papers because I didn't know my own ideas. I washed my hands methodically, making sure to wash every finger, and every spot. That period of my life is something so strange and frightening that I still fear it will happen again. I have thoughts that if I don't do something a certain way or at a certain time, someone will die, or something bad will happen. I can't seem to get past that completely, for I will indeed blame myself if something bad happens and I didn't do what I was supposed to do. This I assume is OCD. Since I have never been diagnosed, I can't be sure, but it seems to be the answer for what was, and is, affecting my life so negatively. I have come to dread anyone who says our thoughts become our reality, because my thoughts can be dangerous-at least that's what they tell me! What do they mean if I have a thought that my cat will die, then my cat will really die because I focused on that thought due to my fear? Eeeeeek!! That makes everything worse. I already have the problem where I think that if I think it will happen, it will. That's scary, because I have thoughts that my family and/or friends will die. How could my thoughts possibly be responsible for their deaths?! I have this prayer I say to make sure that doesn't happen. I wish I didn't have to be afraid. It may all stem from my sister leaving, I blamed myself for that. Something happened, something in me broke. I don't know how to fix it, but I have managed to work through some of the ill effects of that event. It is hard to release OCD-it swears it is too important! No, you can't do that! Someone will die! Someday I'll have to accept that death happens and it is certainly not my fault unless I take actions. Thoughts do not affect another person's reality, only my own. The only way someone could die by my thoughts is if their own thoughts also co-operated. I have many things to accept in this life. Acceptance brings peace and freedom.