One of my family's cats passed away on Tuesday, June 26th, 2007.
His name was Big Boy, and he was loved by us. This death has had an impact on my faith in God. In some ways it feels stronger and in other ways weaker. I don't know whether to trust Him or not. If I am going to pray for healing and life and my cat just dies anyway, then I don't know what to think about God. I've decided that everything is predestined, because otherwise, nothing makes any sense. And maybe it doesn't make sense anyway, but at least this way, I can have faith in the unknown, because the unknown will be perfect accodring to God's plan. Even though at times God's plan looks painful and sometimes pretty stupid, we can't see into the beyond, we really don't know what's going on. Only God knows, and we know that God is Love, so His plan for us is only out of love and for our highest benefit. Sometimes I feel stuck between two worlds. I can see this grand plan of love, and other times, it is not a grand plan of love at all, but nothing is happening. I think I feel like the writer of Ecclesiastes: '"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."' In meaningless, nothingness, there is this quiet, this all-pervading silence, and I don't know how to live in silence. I like the noise of the universe. I feel the silence now, though. It's frightening because it's all consuming, and unknown. What is it? And how is it this silence can be what is, and yet there is all this noise? It is quite difficult to contemplate this paradox of the universe. I just stock it up to be one of those things that goes beyond my comprehension.I wrote a poem about death:
Death, I want to be
your friend,
but you take away
the ones I love.
I know you mean me
no harm
but it hurts
anyway.
You tell me to let go
I don't know how
Your hand looks
rough and stiff
nothing I want to touch
but there you are
staring at me
Your essence is dark
and fear wells up
within me
how can I accept you?
You have erased
their pain
mine has been stirred.
Your hand did not hold
the spoon, did it?
No, it is my hand
stirring the suffering
because I beheld
you,
and I was afraid
am afraid
because you are so
sudden
so final
so shocking.
You are not
as I expected
you reached past
my walls
and sent shivers
through my heart.
You snatched
the last
of Pandora's
creatures,
Hope
what can I hope for now?
Death is the End
of all living things
and here
in the known world
the end
is not
a beginning.
There will be no more
of that which was lost
to you
Not in this life
nor in that form
Innocence was shattered
by your touch.
All I can do now
is stop trying
to hold on to
that which has
passed beyond
He will not return
as he was
he will be new
and I won't know
who he is.
The only way
to disperse despair
is to release
the fear of change
The caterpillar must die
to become
the butterfly
There is no sorrow
at that loss
for that loss
was gain.
Is all death
so beautiful?
You do not look so
from this perspective.
Let me stand
elsewhere
for a while
so I can see you
in your gown of glory
your hand of light
let me see,
that you are
just a night
full of stars
a mystery
full of love
let me see
you.
I am reminded
that when Arjuna
saw Krishna
in His fullness
he was overwhelmed
for the sight of
Krishna
was fearsome
Were you there
in that vision,
death?
Yes, for He says
"I am Death".
