Depression and Books

I'm sorry I don't keep my blog updated. My thoughts are wandering around, there's nothing solid to write about. I spent a few days in another town recently. I discovered the truth that places hold negative energy again-the place I stayed at depleted my positive energy in a hurry! I haven't been very happy since then, either. Before I left, I wasn't depressed, which is unusual for me, but, I've returned to my usual mind-state. Woops. :) Oh, well. It's my life. I went to a couple of used book stores and a place which sells used books, I had a good time doing that. I bought 8 new books, which I have yet to finish. I did read a little book on Zen, which was good, though very small. I found another book on Zen Buddhism, but it is too centered in telling me about precepts and rules to follow...um, I'm not very good with that. For some reason, I always feel guilty for not being a better person. I don't like who I am, I guess. So, every time I read about bettering ourselves, I feel the same pain. Why am I not good enough just the way I am? Well, part of me thinks I am. Another parts wants to tear me to shreds and start over. I want to be a good person, you know, what everyone considers to be a good person, but this means I think I can fail to be a good person and that would make me a bad person. Ah, labels, judgments. Lovely things they are. One day, one day I hope to give them up. To better myself!! Ha, ha, ha! Evil grin. This world is soooo confusing. So many shoulds and shouldn'ts and what's right and wrong, and what's normal or abnormal... I'm kind of tired of the whole thing. Circles, circles, I go round, dizzy, dizzy, I fall down.