Psychology and the Intrigue of Obsessions

It has taken effort to post on this blog in the last couple of years, if you notice by way of how the number of posts dropped to nearly nothing. I used to write about whatever was on my mind, and then I decided that since nobody seemed to care about my thoughts, why was I sharing them? Plus, the thoughts that I have are often repetetive, I obsess over the same things all the time. I was once obsessed with religion, but that obsession waned in place of an obsession with psychology, an obsession with getting to know my own mind and the ways in which people misinterpret minds that are like mine. Even though I am no longer obsessed with religion I am still very much a spiritual person, my beliefs are my foundation for existence. They keep me centered when possible and I have hope that whatever God's will is in my life it shall be done. That is the major way I have kept OCD thoughts from attacking me about life in general. Whatever will be will be.
My obsession with psychology is ongoing because I am always hyperaware of myself and my moods. If I read about depression, anxiety, OCD, or even Asperger's (which I may have), I am better able to understand why I am feeling or acting a certain way and accept my ways of being. Also, I can explain my behavior to others who have no idea what I am going through.
I have recently come to discover that I may have executive dysfunction which I am reading about in curiousity because it describes issues with inhibition and there was one symptom of it that I found completely startling, that some people with executive dysfunction have trouble forming their own ideas and are better at creating through someone else- like an enhanced version of copying. I can copy something in front of me and add to it, but ask me to create from nothing and I go blank. I would not call this a lack of creativity, as with the right motivation and guidance I am highly creative, but it is a hinderance when asked to draw or write or make crafts from an idea of my own. This is all fascinating to me. Even the notion of creating from nothing leads into my inability to move in a direction unless I can imagine/visualize it happening, and I need details in order to do something. If someone asks me if I want to paint signs (which someone did last year) they have to show me what this means or I am paralysed, I have no idea what they are asking and I have no inclination toward it. Paint them how? What do the signs look like? What paint is being used? What colors are involved? What would I have to do? Straight, crooked, freehand, words, numbers, what? But all this time I thought humans would spontaneously give me this information, not realising that they don't have this impairment and that they can't see what I need. I have to ask for it. I didn't know I had to so I haven't in the past and questions do not come easily for me, if I can't even begin to imagine the idea I cannot form the questions. They wait for me to answer them and my only answer is that I don't know. Put me in front of a sign and ask me to paint it and I will. Ask me if I want to and nothing will happen.
I'm finding out all kinds of interesting things. I know why I don't react positively to the words "Do you understand?" And that's because all my psychologists are doing is asking me if I understand their words which I almost always do, so I nod, but they get upset when I nod and ask me again as though I didn't hear them. The problem isn't in understanding the words, it is in knowing the implications of the words. What does what they just said mean in context of what we were talking about? I don't know, I've totally lost them at the words "Do you understand?" I wasn't following them on a level that had anything to do with understanding. I was trying to listen to their words as words. They didn't mean anything. That's probably why people can give me advice and carry on as though I'm interpreting their words correctly and applying and integrating what they are saying... but no, I don't seem to get that far before they have finished and I'm just wondering why they were talking in the first place. I share what's happening in my life for the sake of sharing. I don't easily adapt to advice. I hear their words, I relate them to my experience, there's a response but it isn't what normal people are expecting. So, when they ask if I understand, I have no idea what they are really asking. They aren't asking me what my thoughts are about their thoughts (which is all I process and am ready to do), they aren't inviting me to share, they are just seeking an abstract reaction. Let's say I am talking about how my emotions and my logic don't listen to each other, and my psychologist says "Sometimes there is a block in the integration between those two sides of our brains. Do you understand?" Just writing it makes me feel weird. First of all, what am I to understand, I just said the same thing she did but in different words. Second, what does she mean to tell me by saying that, it doesn't mean anything to me. Third, if I didn't understand her terms, what could she do about it? Repeat it back to me in the layman's vocabulary I just said to her? Pointless. Interesting phenomenon, though.

I am currently obsessed with an entirely different matter, having a boyfriend. I became obsessed with him almost the instant we began communicating with each other. Before I met him I was immersed in my fantasy realms but he surpassed them. Afterall, he's a real person and I've never met anyone who enthralled me so fully in this world. Humans are fascinating creatures but they are humans, scary, unpredictable, unaccepting... many are just robots pretending to be happy and so even though they would be intriguing they put on their boring personas of ordinariness and go about their seminormal lives, never sharing the depth and treasures within themselves. That's why I haven't been obsessed with real people before. My boyfriend is unique, as he'd like to be called. He wasn't afraid to share this uniqueness with me and he let me share mine with him without judgment. I hyperfocus on him a lot, but in the beginning of our relationship it was even more extreme. I couldn't focus on anything but him and I couldn't function if he didn't reply to me. I still have difficulty shifting perspective from my life with him to my life with my family and friends, occasionally I can't feel anything outside of my emotions for him. Being that our relationship has entwined itself into my psyche, my obsession with psychology has only increased. I want to know what is going on with me, what is it like to be in love, are these feelings natural, is there something wrong with me, what are these intruding thoughts and how are they playing a part in this? There's a lot to study and learn in this respect.

I'm growing as a person and my relationship with my boyfriend has already changed my life in wonderful ways. I've known highs I didn't know I could experience with such frequency! I already know the lows. This makes me wonder about manic depression and if mania is only experienced when there is a reason to be happy. As I haven't had a reason to be happy, my last experience with mania was at least two and a half years ago when I was reading The Book On The Taboo Against Knowing Who You Really Are, by Alan Watts.

I'll stop here for today.