Ash Wednesday

Today I was talking to a friend about Ash Wednesday, and they said it was about convicting ourselves of how sinful we are. That doesn't sound like a good activity to me. I stated my negative opinion of this by saying, "You'll never get me to do that!" No, they won't get me to feel utterly horrible about myself, I do that enough all by myself, I don't need to think that God also thinks I'm rotten. But, I added this as to why I wouldn't do it "Christ already took care of that." Yes, if we are to believe that Christ wiped away our sins, what in the world are we doing bringing sin back into the picture? They keep killing Christ over and over, for what? Of course we do harmful things to each other, but Christ never said "Focus upon your sins." He said "I've come to take away the sins of the world." They are gone. They are not kept on record. Nor in a book. Are we saying that Christ didn't accomplish what He came to do, that we are still such awful things? Instead of feeling bad, let's feel good! Let's take our convictions, and do something beautiful. Paul talked of this, when he talked about his thorn. That thorn could have been a sin, but instead of feeling like he was a bad person, he took that thorn and gave glory to God through it. That would be the only beneficial reason to even see our sins is to do something to heal the wounds created by them. Love sees sins and says "What can I do to heal this situation?" Love doesn't see sins and say "What horrors! Boo! What have I done?! What have you done?! I hate myself! I hate you! I hate what I've done!" Yeah, really try to imagine Love hating. It doesn't work. Love loves. That's how sin leaves, through love. As the Bible says "God so loved the world He gave His Son!" He loved! He gave! It wasn't "God so hated sin, He forced His Son to be crucified so He could forgive those stupid humans for all their evil deeds." We turn Christ's gift into a nightmare! And we turn our puny little lives into lives that should be squashed! What do we do that for? We hate ourselves so much. Let's not do that anymore. Let's love.

Judgement Soup

Wow, I'm judgmental! I complain a lot about the judgments of others and find myself judging everyone, too. To add to that, I also judge myself for judging others. This whole judgment thing is really harmful to the health. That's why I am glad there is Zen! When you are seeing the world as it is, there is no room for judgment. It is "cloud in the sky, water in the jug". There's no, "Hey that cloud is an odd shape. I don't like the look of those clouds." "This water tastes funny. Why do these crazy people keep putting water in jugs! They should use glass jars!" Yay, no judgment. I could use that in my life, which is why I have returned to studying the way of Zen, it is good food for my aching soul.
Going to church every Sunday was "judge, judge, judge!". Who can live like that? I really don't want to any more. I went to church in the beginning not to judge, but to learn. However, eventually learning reached a point of nothingness. Couldn't I have been happy with nothingness? I guess not, because when I don't learn something, I automatically put on my judgment hat. Perhaps that is because I am wearing my judgment hat anyway, looking for something to learn. It's also hard to listen to judgment without responding in kind! I have much to unlearn! I never left church because I didn't want to miss an opportunity to learn, and I wanted to give up judgment. I can't stop judging them if I'm not even there, can I? Well, I didn't think I could. Apparently I can't give up judgment while still going.
I left Zen in a corner while I ran off to judge everything. How silly of me. Judgment has it's uses, but in moderation! Spending my life judging is quite tiring. I think I'll take a nap. It is difficult to take a break from judging. Why, just a moment ago I was judging the noises in the house as being something bad, because now I can't concentrate enough to write this blog. I am good at judging. Would you like that as one of your talents? It comes in handy for being sick, confused, and depressed.
I am returning to practicing "observing without mental comment". Three years ago, I wouldn't have even made it to church if it wasn't for this technique. Whenever I went for a walk, I would think others were judging me (a mental comment), this caused me to want to stay inside. But, with the help of letting mental comments slide by without fixating upon them, I was able to go for walks, and go to church for the first time in 7 years. Even switching the object of my judgment was useful, if I couldn't cease judging altogether. That would be so helpful now, when I'm judging people as being mean, insensitive, and horrible-instead I could judge the sky as beautiful, the snow as white, and music as calming. Then you could ask me, "What about those people?" And I could say "What people?".

Impassioned Against Injustice

On Sunday I ran away from church before it was over because I felt pressured into doing something that wasn't me. I was enraged that the Pastor said not to take communion if we didn't have Christ as our Lord. I never take communion, because it doesn't bring me closer to God. After he said that though, I thought I'd have to take it or everyone would think Christ wasn't my Lord. The Pastor said no one would judge anyone, but he's not everyone, and I know better than that. I didn't want to be judged, so I left. Of course, in leaving, I've probably defined myself as something I'm not, too.

Perhaps I was so mad on Sunday because unconsciously, it struck my sense of justice as completely injust. There is a Holy Communion, in which you reach into the Heart of God, and Commune with Him. But, the Pastor said "No, you cannot commune with God unless you are right with Him." How in the world do you worship or love a being you are not permitted to commune with? What a bunch of s**t. Love has been forsaken for something so not like love that anyone with compassion could see right through it. Who has the right to tell another that they cannot commune with Christ because Christ wouldn't be pleased if some outsider decided they wanted to be near Him? How unchrist-like. Man, I wanted to swear at that pastor, because he was so intolerant, so not in the mind of love. Love would have said "Come, all you who are weary, all who thirst and hunger-come ALL!" Not "Come you who thirst-but only you guys. Come you who hunger, sorry, I didn't mean you. Come you who are weary, wait, I won't take your burden."
How can Holy Communion even mean anything if it is not for everyone? Ah, is it only the holy who can commune with the Holy? Ptth! That's stupid. How is anyone holy? Through a life of communion with the Holy. How can one who is not Christ's ever become Christ's if they can't commune with Him? They won't. They will commune with Him elsewhere since you deny them bread and wine. You deny them they body and blood of Christ. Perhaps that is best, for they can find Him elsewhere and know that you do not have a monopoly on Holy Communion. It is about communing with the Divine, it has no standard. You cannot place a law upon communion. You cannot say, only you, and you may commune, the rest of you, sorry, you're just not loved, wanted, or correct. You must wait outside the gates of heaven. God doesn't want you, and neither do we. B****rds! And to think I thought I over-reacted! I didn't! It's total injustice, and God would be feeling a little like me, too! Not angry like me, but He would have a movement in His bowels-passion for the truth, which is not "I only want a few to come before me." Who's rules for Holy Communion are those rules that keep people out? Not God's!!!

No thanks, Mr. Judgment

If I ever reach
a white throne of judgment
and am found in the book of life:
I will be amazed.

For there, before the throne,
I'll be pleading for the lost,
for those God forsooke,
and left to their doom.

I will suffer eternal torment,
if any are allowed to be thrown
into a lake of fiery fires,
with no Helper, no Friend.

I will stand and shout
"Who is this God of love
who sends people away from
His tender mercies?"

"Has He forgotten His own Son
who died to prevent
such a horrible, unneeded,
and dastardly event?

What is love that it refuses
to see beyond the flesh of a man,
into the severely wounded heart,
and offer healing?

What is love that it can't be:
questioned yet never lost,
unseen, but still present,
forgiving even unrepentedness?

I do not wish to receive life
if life is not for all.
I do not want to be loved,
if love is not Love.

Could I find that things
are not as they seem?
That God does Love all
and saves all?

Could I find not only my name,
but the name of every being,
no literal lake of fire,
but where all illusions are burnt away?

Could the veil be lifted?
Hearts unhardened?
Eyes unblinded?
Ears undeafened?

Could I see a True Love?
He who accepts all,
no matter if they accept Him?
He like Christ?

If I could not, then,
I forsake my name.
I give my name to the lost,
for their renewal and redemption.

I give up my adoption rights,
for I do not wish to be
a child of the Judger,
Doomer, Burner, Forsaker!

I give up!
If God is not God,
and Hope not Hope,
and love not Love!

Existence is futile.