A Few Days of Non-belief

For the past two days I have been practising non-belief. One knows how I am always saying that thoughts don't have power, but I've never been able to let go of that. Probably because two people who I am in close contact with DO believe that thoughts have power and it's hard to think for myself. There are many proofs in both directions. I would rather be free to believe what will help me, not hinder me. Practicing non-belief I have found helps me to let go. I don't have to believe in thoughts have power, I don't have to believe that thoughts don't have power. I don't have to listen to OCD, because right now, it can't touch me. This is a space of acceptance, of "whatever happens, happens." I call this practice Whatevering. :) So, far, it seems to be directly responsible for this not-quite-depressed mood. Before I decided to play in non-belief, I was so depressed I wanted nothing but death. It's hard being responsible for everything, and it's hard thinking that God doesn't really give a damn. So, I said "Okay, I'm not going to believe anymore. Not in God, not in anything. Not in prayer, not in thoughts, not in OCD." Of course, this is easier said than done, and I still believe in love, and I still give in to occasional OCD compulsions. But, not as many. It turns out that not believing in God when you actually do is not really possible. She's still there, and I still want to talk to someone! But, whatever! My little game of non-belief doesn't have to be perfect. It's a process. And it feels very much like Zen. :)

Whitie passed away on August 30th, 2008. She was my first cat. The first cat to sleep in my room. The first cat I fed and took care of. She wandered into my life in October of 1998. I have never known a more beautiful cat, and I can say this even though she was pawicapped. She only had the full use of one leg. I love her so much! I miss her! I was only 16 when we met for the first time. I hope we meet again in another life, after I pass through that curtain of death. Goodbye for now, Whitie!

Spiritual Swinging

Posted Originally on Thursday, July 17th, 2008: Today I decided to go for a swing. Swinging to me, is in itself a spiritual activity. When you are swinging, the wind rushes past your face, and you get a feeling of being moved, and then there is the sky, there in front of you, and perhaps if you swing just a bit higher, you could fly up into the clouds. I love swinging. Swinging also gains an extra aspect when you are singing while swinging. :) I happen to enjoy being able to release my feelings and thoughts in the form of a song, and alone at a playground on a swing is the perfect spot for it. If one wants to bring this whole swinging experience to it's culmination, bring along a spiritual book! I did this today, and I was reading a most beautiful chapter in a book, which in it's entirety said to me that everything happens for a grand and perfect reason, and that there really is a gift in all moments in all events, in all happenings. Sitting there on that swing, I was lifted up into the arms of a loving God, of Love itself, for I saw that He had given me a most marvelous gift in the form of that book, and in the form of events I thought were bad but had actually been blessings. I found that the people who come into our lives and harm us are the people who are teaching us our greatest and most important lessons- I learned forgiveness from a friend who gave me something to forgive! Without that opportunity, I never would have known forgiveness, never would have touched that level of love. She came into my life and gave me a gift, which seemed at the time only poison, but I see the gift clearly now. I see her love clearly now. I am able to view her true self. I thank her for her gift and give her forgiveness and offer forever my love to her.

Looking For God

I was talking to one of my friends yesterday and she said that the Pastor gave everyone in church a little notebook and a pen to write down whenever they see God. My first impulse was to feel a bit of envy. Hehehe. I like notebooks. I want a little notebook. Not as though I don't have enough of my own little notebooks. :) I'm a silly human being. Anyway, second, for some reason, was, "Hey, that's really cool. I'd like to notice when I see God in my life and be able to keep the memory by writing it down. It wouldn't even be as boring as my thankfulness journal." I, as a pantheist, see God at all times! However, I am not aware of Her presense at all times. I forget. I don't stop and look. But, if I did, wow! Yesterday, I saw God all over the place. He was in the lightning, He was in the fact that I got home before it stormed, I left before it stormed, I helped my dad load the car with groceries right before it stormed, we didn't get hit by lightning, no trees fell in front of the car, and we got home while it wasn't severely storming. Woo! So, thanks God, for being with me always and showing me Yourself when I am aware enough to LOOK! :) God is marvelous, and so is the idea of looking out for Her, cause whenever I look, I will see!

I Saw an Angel

I searched
in a dream game
for treasures
I found
an angel
and she spoke
in conundrums
and turned her head
and her body away
leaving the image of wings
I grabbed her
to communicate
but she was done
and the game
of life
went on.

Life is Beautiful

Now I've missed May. Oh, well. I thought it was very interesting that on Thursday morning, having gone to bed after 6 am, I got up at 8 am and found the world outside to be filled with light- light that was clean and clear and crisp, and all it touched was washed by it, even me! Oh, it was so beautiful! I felt in that light to be a part of everything and I felt free. If I had gone to church at that moment, I would have been able to laugh and not be depressed. There is no judgment in that light. Everything is okay in that light. It was marvelous to be ALIVE in that light. I wonder how the world came to seem so bright after having watched many horror shows during the night. I have no idea, but it was cool. I was happy. How often does that happen?! Not often.

I recently found a Pantheism group, which I was invited to join, and have now been reveling in being with other pantheists. I've been so lonely. There may be only one other regular visitor to that group, but that is enough. I have read pantheism quotations and read about pantheism and found that it is more diverse than I could have imagined. Pantheists range from being Atheists to Theists-with those two views of God being so separate, how could anything unite them into one religion? That which does is amazing. If there were a religion that could unite the world, I think it would be Pantheism. It is already doing a fantastic job. And you know how I love unity! Oh, it's wonderful to know that I have a religion to call home! Yay!

Guess what? I am being me! It is a lot of work to be myself, but it was harder to not be myself. You know how it feels when you are being fake? Well, I was feeling that way a lot-stifled, squashed down. Well, I thought it was time to break free, as I said in April's post. And I am doing so. Woo! It is freeing to be meing. Hehehe. :)

Being Me, and Thoughts

Woops, I missed March. Oh, well. I have been thinking about stuff. For one, I have this plan to fill a folder with stuff about me-my poems, my drawings, my paintings, my thoughts, my interests, my religion-everything about me- and share this folder with everyone I meet. I don't want people to make assumptions about who I am. I want them to know me. And if they reject me, so what! There are billions of other people in the world. I am me, I am unique and I am different than any other person in the world. If I don't share me, if I'm not me-who will be? The light of me will be lost. No more! I will break through the fear and live as me, not the masks I usually wear.
Ah, yes. I also did some thinking about thoughts. That's an interesting past time. :) I thought about the thoughts I have about rejection and my expecting rejection from everyone. How, according to some people, these thoughts create the reality of my being rejected. Recently, this was proved false. I shared my journey and some of my thoughts expecting to be debated with, and instead I found that people appreciated my honesty and didn't reject me. I found someone who is also a person on the path of Love. I wouldn't have found them if I hadn't posted my testimony on how I deconverted from Christianity, and what I believe in. So, things do not happen based upon our thoughts about them. Things happen as they will, and sometimes our thoughts align with what happens. We are not all powerful. For a person with OCD, this is great news! My thoughts do not create reality! Woo! The Universe is alright again!
I was happy about this realization, but my OCD still says "No, your thoughts do have power. And because of them, you are guilty of many things." The ol' conditioning. Well, I am no longer a part of whatever conditioned me to believe that my thoughts are evil, so why am I listening to OCD?
Maybe I wouldn't listen to it if people didn't agree with it. They wouldn't believe such things if they knew the hell I live in because of that belief. If OCD is true, if they are right, life isn't worth living. But, then again, people who say these things don't have OCD. They don't understand the confusion, the thoughts, the pain. I do, and I refuse accept that belief!
From the perspective of the universe-or multi-verse, or whatever-none of it matters. Our thoughts aren't evil. They are little movings of little energy in a massive, giant, huge, gigantic, humungous, infinity!! How can our measley thoughts have any affect on It? My thoughts only affect me. And I am a speck in this mighty existence. I am a dot of a dot. I am invisible in the immensity. All evil, all pain, all death, all war, it all melts away the further out you go. In that Peace, I am free.

-Cassie

A Rummage Sale

Feeling strange right now... Hmm... I went to a rummage sale yesterday at which the books were free!! Woo! I didn't see much of interest, though. I found a book called "The Last Days of Socrates". It has been interesting so far. I also found a textbook called "a quest for the universe". Now, that's a cool book. It's filled with all kinds of interesting facts and also has study questions for recalling the information. I did fine at the multiple choice, but the questions where I have to think and write are giving me difficulty. My brain hasn't been worked like that in many years. :) I think it could use some exercise.

Depression and Books

I'm sorry I don't keep my blog updated. My thoughts are wandering around, there's nothing solid to write about. I spent a few days in another town recently. I discovered the truth that places hold negative energy again-the place I stayed at depleted my positive energy in a hurry! I haven't been very happy since then, either. Before I left, I wasn't depressed, which is unusual for me, but, I've returned to my usual mind-state. Woops. :) Oh, well. It's my life. I went to a couple of used book stores and a place which sells used books, I had a good time doing that. I bought 8 new books, which I have yet to finish. I did read a little book on Zen, which was good, though very small. I found another book on Zen Buddhism, but it is too centered in telling me about precepts and rules to follow...um, I'm not very good with that. For some reason, I always feel guilty for not being a better person. I don't like who I am, I guess. So, every time I read about bettering ourselves, I feel the same pain. Why am I not good enough just the way I am? Well, part of me thinks I am. Another parts wants to tear me to shreds and start over. I want to be a good person, you know, what everyone considers to be a good person, but this means I think I can fail to be a good person and that would make me a bad person. Ah, labels, judgments. Lovely things they are. One day, one day I hope to give them up. To better myself!! Ha, ha, ha! Evil grin. This world is soooo confusing. So many shoulds and shouldn'ts and what's right and wrong, and what's normal or abnormal... I'm kind of tired of the whole thing. Circles, circles, I go round, dizzy, dizzy, I fall down.