Recently I've been feeling quite odd. Thursday was probably the strangest and yet most beautiful day I've had in a while. I spent most of the day wandering around town wondering where I would end up. Not pressuring myself to be anywhere seemed to open a space for magic and peace. Things worked out, to my amazement, in my benefit. I went to class again, even though last week I told the teacher I was dropping out. She didn't mind if I wanted to hang out in class and learn from that experience. It led to a pretty funny exchange when the teacher didn't give me the test, and one of the other students was like "Hey, I don't want one either!" :) Well, they are not aiming for an F, are they? Nah. But, it turns out that I can't drop out anyway, not if I want to keep my financial aid. I didn't think it was still possible, but it appears it might be. Although, I will not be doing the school work, just appearing for class. I felt moved at the level of learning that was taking place when going to class wasn't something I had to do, but something I wanted to do. I'm afraid that will never be the case with homework or tests or studying. They are not for me. When peace is discovered in the absence of these things-that's a clear message! Freedom at last! Until I start worrying about that F, of course! :) I've never failed a class before. Oh, well, there's always a first time for everything. I'm not sure what damage this F will cause to my chances of getting into college again- but owing the college money is a far more immediate threat to my well-being. So, a choice between two failures-never a good place to put me! It's growing me, though.
While I was playing this game of wandering, I stepped for a few minutes into an enchanted land. I don't know why, but when I see the world as magical, it is the only time I feel at home. I feel lifted, and for a moment, I get to belong. Otherwise, I have to invent worlds to play in or play in other people's worlds. And, during my class, I was actually having fun being there-because I wasn't "supposed" to be there. I guess that is the only time when my actions feel right, when they are free of rules, boundaries, plans. They are released to be whatever they will be. No preconceptions. The events and experiences become as free as me. Perhaps this is why I reject making plans and setting goals. It takes away the beauty, it negates the enchantment. My VocRehab counselor may never understand this. Last week she asked me what my goals were. Obviously, I really don't have any. There are little seeds of ideas that grow and germinate and finally they bloom at their own time in their own space. This is the only time that action on my part flows rather than jerks about. I don't want to be a puppet. Not even a puppet on my own strings-for those will not lead me where I am going, only to where I 'think' I am going. What do I know about where I am going? I could end up anywhere. I don't want to be restricted. Yes, I understand there are limitations in life, but why else do I constantly have the feeling I don't belong here in the first place. Society's ideas leave me drained. They leave me perplexed... how could THAT be life, when it feels like death to me? I'd rather follow my meandering path than force myself along some organized goal-oriented road. Where's the fun in that? Don't remind me that I used to live by rules. :) I don't want them anymore.
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6 comments:
I read your entry about a week ago. I was attending a class at that time, and posting a comment would be very awkward. Just imagine it: A teacher glaring down on you, demanding an answer to a question you never knew was asked, while you are blissfully surfing the internet and reading your friend's blog. Not a good thing to try.
Then I got an assignment and had to go to the country for three weeks, and therefore couldn't get online to my liking.
Now all that put aside, it's very interesting that you have a financial aid for you studies. I mean, we here, all are entitled to a free education if we can pass certain exams.
In regard to the learning process, I quite agree with you. Whenever I attend a class in which I'm not enlisted as a student, it seems like I can get a better understanding of the subject. So, whenever I have a nasty class in my upcoming semester, I attend it the semester before that, so that I can get a better feel of the subject.
On the other hand, I cannot live with myself if I don't set some kind of definitive goal for the near future. Most of the time I don't go by the schedules I set, or by the goals I aim for, but it always feels good for me to know where I'm going.
very raw.. genuine people are hard to find.. insightful read
Hi! :)
Well, it does sound funny, though, reading a friend's blog while you are in class.... :)
Wow, free education? We only get that up until High School, everything else must be paid for with extravagant fees unless you manage to get a scholarship-or are low income enough to get a grant (like me).
That's cool. I wish I could attend classes without actually taking them or having to pay for them.
I'd love to know where I'm going. :) Or at least know where I'd like to go.
Hi, mzabzenze.
Thanks for leaving a comment. :)
Hiya! Aren't you gonna post anything anytime soon?
It's maybe become a habit of mine to see a new post here every once in a while, I guess ;-)
Hi! Alright, I thought of something to write about. I'm kind of tired and am not feeling weel, so if it reads a little odd, blame those two reasons. :) I might not get around to it if I didn't do it tonight. Thanks for giving me more of a reason to post. :)
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