Well, since the las time I wrote, my life has changed. I started taking college classes, and thinking about it took up most of my time. It was as if even when I wasn't supposed to be doing my homework, it was still getting after me. This, along with other things, caused a pressure overload! I have been in a deep, dark place in my head, my seriously depressed zone. I don't write to others when there, just myself. Hopefully, I haven't lost any friends during these last few stressful weeks. It took five weeks to decide to drop my last class because I kept wondering what part of me wanted to drop out. Was it just my depression? Was it laziness? Was it a lack of responsibility? Did I really dislike college? How will others think of me? Imagine that you've spent the last 8 years at least thinking you had never accomplished anything, that you were worthless and useless and now you were even going to give up the one opportunity you've had to make something of yourself! Aaah! What a self-hating measure! But, what if dropping my classes WAS the worst mistake I could make in my life right now? How to tell?
First I discussed it with family members. Most of them thought that I should either do what made me happy, or do what made them happy. Now, this is pretty useless when I have no idea what will make me happy, nor do I have any wish to drop college to make their lives easier.
Then I talked to my friends. Well-meaning as one of them was, she was inclined to think that I should stay in college for its benefits-or at least she wanted to "encourage" me to stay in the classes even though she never heard what was going on in my life.
I think the person who encouraged me the most was the friend who listened to my troubles, offered suggestions to them, then listened to me again- I think she really tried to get down to the "What does Cassie really want to do?" I didn't know. I'm still not sure, but according to her, it's pretty clear.
I decided to write about my difficulties in my journal, and usually that just ended in a lot of spinning because I have so many points of view inside my head. When you can see things from everyone's point of view, it is tremendously hard to know which one is actually yours! It turns out that my inner self, the one that loves me, she was okay with any decision that I made. She reminded me that leaving college isn't the end of the world. That there are new adventures and new people to meet waiting beyond this frozen moment. I was/am in paralysis, but she told me that listening to my feelings-the stress, the depression, the anxiety, the fear- would tell me what I wanted, the real me, not all of my fake selves who do what they think they are "supposed" to be doing. Of course, my feelings, for the most part, said "Get the hell out of there! That's not for you yet! You're making yourself sick trying to measure up, trying to play this game you no longer have much interest in."
Did I listen? A little... and then a little more. Though, there was this persistent voice that said "But, but, but... what if, what if, what if.... you will have accomplished nothing if you stop now. You'll owe the college money you don't have for something that you never completed. That's stupid. You'll be a stupid, no good failing loser of a person if you quit. How can you do that to yourself? You are sabotaging yourself. Fight the feelings! Learn discipline! That's important. What does it matter if you get sick? At least you will have something to be proud of! Unlike now- unlike if you quit. Don't give up. You can do it. (If you stop being such a whiny baby and procrastinator.) You will lose the opportunity to study and learn with the teacher you like and a couple of the students. They could be your friends. You need more friends. You hate losing. So, don't lose."
Yuck. Who is that person? That's my self hating gremlin. He wants me to succeed-at any cost. He doesn't care about my wants-only what he thinks I "should" want. I mean, who in there right mind wants to stay at home and read and write and digest material and contemplate? Me!!! I do. I don't want to learn at someone else's pace and in someone else's manner. I hate tests. I hate homework. I hate studying. Of course, these might be necessary to get somewhere I want to go... but, if I am not sure where I am going, why is all that so important? With my low self-esteem, being judged makes me feel like I am really stupid. Although, if you talk to those who know me-they know I am bright and intelligent. I at times know this, too. But, not when I'm being judged-especially not when I'm being judged by myself. And the moment I think good or bad about myself is a moment for my self-hating to begin! Pride is not acceptable inside my head. The moment I feel I am good at something, the moment I must not be-I become frightened that it will all be taken away. And the pressure to continue being good at something ignites a part of myself that must fail. Obviously, college is not my best friend right now. Not even close.
I've been confused out of my mind. Hey, I need to hang out there for a while. There's far too much commotion on the inside.
For those of you who find yourselves in situations of indecision- for myself, listening to the love voice, the voice that doesn't put you down or deny your feelings, experience, or thoughts, helps to solidify knowledge of self and self's wants. Not right away, but after reflection and processing.
I still feel like I've been in a battle, and that I'm not quite extricated from it yet, but, I have seen the light on the other side. I have tasted self. I have discovered that it is okay to be oneself! I am afraid to lose an experience, an adventure, but all of life leads eventually to loss-little births and little deaths, and every path away and to is full of adventure and mystery. One loss isn't the end. One person I could have known better and didn't isn't detrimental to my well-being. Life is HUGE! And it's amazing. And I hope I learn to love myself, feelings, thoughts, depression, anxiety, OCD, and all. Wait... I will learn to love myself. I will. :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
Wow ... was that long! I hope you can achieve that goal in short time.
Many a time have I wondered over my decisions regarding my educational life and wondered which part of me desired what; So, I can understand that line of thought.
I dunno about your family, but mine usually tells me to do what I think is the right thing. It is sometimes a great thing, but sometimes it's a pain. I mean, if I didn't want their advice, I wouldn't be asking for it, would I?
Your friend must be a really good friend, since she's offered you the best advice out there: to live as yourself.
Hew, there seems to be a lot of people in your mind. How can you even think with so many voices putting forth their suggestions?
I hope it wasn't too long. :) I got carried away with all the thoughts that have been pursuing me.
Did you find out which part of yourself you wanted to listen to?
Right, yeah, my family is usually like that, too. I think it depends on their moods, though. :) Although when I talk to them, I don't really want 'advice' exactly, I want to know it's okay to be me, to have these feelings, and to have some input-but not too much or I get lost in their advice rather than my own needs.
Well, it's not easy! :) Thankfully they are not there all of the time, just during indecision.
You were quick, I didn't expect to get a reply within a day or two.
Not too long to be boring, for sure.
I like to believe that I'm listening to the part of me that loves myself best and knows me better than anyone. But, I have to be honest with myself. There are loads of factors in my life that force me to not listen to that voice most of the time - which is most unfortunate.
I don't go to my family for 'advice' exactly, rather for their point of view. It is sometimes more than a little helpful to have someone else voice your problems for you.
Do you attend college in a specific field of study? I don't know much about how your educational system works, but I'm interested to know what field of study you are - or were - following, if it can be shared of course! :)
Hi! I have been checking the blog to see if you were around. :) I didn't realize you had just posted that earlier that day!
I'm glad you at least try to listen to the loving voice.
We probably wouldn't go to others at all if that wasn't the case, right?
I was only taking two classes which were not specifically part of any degree of study.
One class was a mandatory class one had to take no matter what if they wanted a degree in anything. The class I am still in at this moment is a psychology class-which I would have used to build a degree in psychology or in liberal studies. :)
Post a Comment