I feel like falling asleep and never waking up. Then maybe this nightmare would end. It all started when I went to a retreat with some people from the church I used to go to. A part of the theme was being vulnerable with other Christians. I didn't go for that, I went to have an adventure. I don't get out much. This trip was to NH, I'd never been to NH. Anyway, I was having a stressful day and decided I didn't want to have my feet massaged by a stranger, or even by someone I knew. I was frightened of being judged about my feet. I was tired of feeling vulnerable, tired of the strength needed to face terrying situations, so I didn't do it. When I was leaving, a friend saw me and started to come after me, so I ran from her because I didn't want to have a confrontation.
This is the important scene-because it started the nightmare. The nightmare where my friend decided to write to me about how childish I had been by running away and not having my feet massaged. How she had siad I was chickening out and I shouldn't have gotten upset about her saying that-well, I didn't! I didn't hear her, and I didn't care! She says I was acting like a six year old, and she is frustrated with me and disappointed. She attacked me for being scared. That is very painful to endure, a friend insulting one over nothing! I want to cry, I have cried. I wrote back to her, and she wrote back and attacked me some more! And then she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore because I won't trust her. I'm sorry, but she's just not someone I can trust, and it's been that way since we started the friendship, what's the big deal now? Why does it matter now? I'm too wounded to be vulnerable with her, doesn't she understand that? Look at how she treated me over not having my feet massaged. I did nothing to her, and now we're not friends, and I feel so lost! Why did this have to happen? I think everything happens for a reason, but it is hard to find a reason for pain. I do think that it is the healthiest thing for both of us, but...it hurts. I don't know what I was meant to learn through this experience.
About Me
- Casstranquility
- Hi! I have have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I am judgmental, critical, logical, and occasionally violent. I am angered easily but cool off quickly if not continually provoked. I am loving, compassionate and understanding. I am honest with myself and others. I love to study psychology and philosophy and religion because humans are fascinating creatures. I like to read and write and think, especially. I also like to day-dream. I am a Pantheist. I see God as Everything. The Divine Infinity is my beloved. Spirituality is my life, it sustains me. I love trees, animals, lakes, rivers, clouds, snow, flowers, rain, grass, wind, and people.
3 comments:
Hi1 I'm sorry to hear about what happened between you and your friend... it's very sad :( She shouldn't have been mean to you... I hope that she will say sorry and you two will be friends again.
Hi. I don't think she will, she doesn't feel she has anything to be sorry about, and she ended the friendship. I don't know what to say to her. I don't think I will say anything.
Hi Cassie
I think when people treat us really badly like that its because they too are in alot of pain but often they know how to hide it better and usually they get it out of their system by treating others bad. I speak from experiance, Ive been her many times.
Hope God heals the rift
God bless Kept
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