The Past Few Events

Whoops, I didn't manage to write in this last month. I went to a lecture on the 20th of October, and got to meet Marcus Borg in person! I enjoyed the lecture, but mostly the part where he talked about God being Isness. That is so close to talking about pantheism that I felt it stir my spirit. The rest of the lecture was interesting. He talked about biblical literalism and reading the bible historically and metaphorically. I certainly want to learn how to read the bible historically/metaphorically, because literalism is kind of sickening. Although I don't think it will help me like the bible again. I'm tired of Christian language these days. Even metaphorical. Marcus Borg also talked about being an intentional Christian or a conventional Christian. Intentional Christians are Christians because they have chosen to be, they go to church not because everyone else is going, but because that's where they want to be. Last but not least he talked about the last empire and how one day it would fall like all the others, and that Jesus was an anti-empirical. Greed is the root of all evil-empires are the epitome of greed.
I had an interesting thought about the serpent when Mr. Borg said that the Python in Revelation was the symbol for an empire, or Greed. I thought about the serpent in the garden of eden and wondered if that too was greed, and it seems to be just that-for it offered power to Eve, and created greed within her. So, it is not some devil or satan that tempts us, it is just a human desire-greed.

At the end of October I went to church for the first time in three months and I actually had a good time. I thought about what the pastor said in metaphorical terms instead of the way he really meant it, and it helped. That way I was able to just think on positive things and not so much on the negative.
Last Sunday I went to church again, which isn't what I would have wanted to do since it had only been a month since my last visit, but some men from Teen Challenge Vermont were there, and I have loved their stories every time I heard them. They talk about how God saved them from drugs and addictions. They are the only people I have met who I believe when they say "Jesus saved me". It doesn't make any sense when others say it who haven't been saved from anything. I didn't enjoy this group as much as the last two, but maybe it was destroyed by it being holy communion Sunday. Like I said to my friend "This is the first Holy Communion I'm not taking since February 4th." Holy communion in their manner just makes me nauseous. Eh. Besides that, the men didn't seem very happy, and I like to be inspired by saved men-saved men aren't so down, are they? They are free of their addictions! They have their families and friends back! That is something to be happy about, isn't it? Oh, well.

We Don't Deserve God's Love?!

I keep running into things that have my mind getting impassioned. I guess it's good for that to happen some, otherwise my mind doesn't have anything interesting to talk about. I don't want to overdo it, though. One of the most recent things I was reading about was how we don't deserve to be in God's presence, and we don't deserve God's love, and we don't deserve God's forgiveness... I feel angry at reading things like that. Those three sentences have no meaning-one can't deserve any of that-you can't deserve love or forgiveness or to be in someone's presence. Those things are not on a measuring stick, there are no love points to be earned. To say one doesn't deserve to be loved is a horrible negative statement which only purpose seems to be to tell people how worthless and insignificant they are. People are not worthless and insignificant! We all matter to God, we all have value to God. I think it is utterly defeating to tell a person "God loves you so much, even though you don't deserve it." What? What's the point in telling them God loves them when you just made them not worthy of love? There is going to be a big wound in people who believe such statements, for they really say "You are not lovable." Why isn't the statement "God loves you" no, "Even though..."? There should never, ever be any "buts" when it comes to love. "I love you, but" is not a love statement. Adding 'deserve' to a love statement contradicts the love statement. Who would tell their children "I love you even though you don't deserve it"? I don't think anyone but the most sick parents would say such a thing. I read in a short story that we do not deserve to be in God's presence. What a painful thing to say! They were comparing us to a dog who wandered into an orchestra-I bet that no one said or thought "That dog does not DESERVE to be here!" No, that would be stupid, and yet when it comes to us appearing in the orchestra of God, they have the gall to say "Even though we don't deserve to be there". Don't deserve? What does deserving have to do with anything?! Ugh!

The Encompassment of Biblical Interpretation

I've been really depressed lately. It feels as though my life is going nowhere. I've kind of run out of things to do in this small town I live in. I just started volunteering at the school again, but it's not the same as before, it doesn't feel like I actually did anything. I miss having a life. I'm really lonely. I found myself falling into a hole of pain when I was reading on a message board about the reason why hell has to exist and why justice must punish sin. That is so tiring. People who talk like that don't seem to know what justice or love is. I was trying to explain it to them-silly me- and I was getting more and more depressed as the conversation went on. It didn't help either that I was reading the Bible looking for the answers for them and I realised they were never going to see things the way I do, even with the Bible verses. Whatever one wants to believe, it's there in the Bible. You want to believe in hell-it's there. You want to believe that Christ saves everyone and that hell is a metaphor-it's there. You want to believe that God hates sin and sinners and will punish both-it's there. You want to believe that God uses sin for His glory and loves sinners wholeheartedly, it's there. You want to believe that justice punishes sinful people-it's there. You want to believe that justice heals the wounds of all, disciplines and corrects-it's there. You want to believe in evil spirits and a satan-it's there. You want to believe that satan and evil spirits don't exist but are symbols-it's there. You want to believe that women are to be in submission to men-it's there. You want to believe that men and women are equal in God's eyes-it's there.
I'm tired of it all. I want to give up on Christianity! I love Christ, but Christianity is destroying my spirit. I think from now on I'll just refer to myself as a pantheist. I don't need to keep the label of Christian. It just confuses people anyway. They think it means that I believe in hell and sin and evil and the Bible, when it means none of that. When I say I am a Christian, I mean I am a disciple of Christ. I am a follower of the Way. I talk to and have communion with the Person of Divine Love, Christ. I am not a believer in the religion of Christianity.

Loving What You Fear?

I've been neglecting my blog! Well, I don't have much to write about. I try not to upset myself by reading material I disagree with, but that also stops me from getting all passionate and having something to say. I don't know, is it better to avoid serious depression, or have something to write about? :) I think I know the answer.
Anyway, I have been reading A Course in Miracles, and it is quite hard to read. I don't even know why I am bothering to try. I don't really understand what it is saying. One interesting subject is fear. It says not to master fear, but to achieve mastery through love. Now, this made perfect sense to me when it came to being afraid of the dark. To release fear of darkness one must love the darkness, become friends with it. This works for me, because it is how I have been wroking through my present overwhelming fear of darkness I've had ever since my cat died. It's finally fading away through the power of love. However, this release fear through love thing doesn't make much sense to me when it comes to my fear of the house burning down. Uh, wouldn't it be very odd to love the house burning down? I don't think that is possible for me. Fire is beautiful, but being beautiful isn't enough for me to love it tearing through the house! There would be a lot more involved in overcoming this fear than just love. I'd have to let go of my attachments. Is that loving? To be non-attached? Perhaps it is...
Recently I had an experience which was kind of odd. I was looking at a picture of Leonidas (the character in the movie 300) and it spoke to me. Not in words, but through feeling. Seeing him scarred, muscled, screaming, it just spoke of power. Raw human strength. He stood up for what he believed in-even to his own death-that is love! I felt moved to tears. I wish I knew how to explain it better, but it left an impression on me. Even though it was a picture of a man going into battle, a man used to killing, it was somehow a beautiful picture. That doesn't seem like something I would see in such a picture, being as I am against war and violence. I thought the experience was intriguing.

Death and Questions

One of my family's cats passed away on Tuesday, June 26th, 2007.

His name was Big Boy, and he was loved by us. This death has had an impact on my faith in God. In some ways it feels stronger and in other ways weaker. I don't know whether to trust Him or not. If I am going to pray for healing and life and my cat just dies anyway, then I don't know what to think about God. I've decided that everything is predestined, because otherwise, nothing makes any sense. And maybe it doesn't make sense anyway, but at least this way, I can have faith in the unknown, because the unknown will be perfect accodring to God's plan. Even though at times God's plan looks painful and sometimes pretty stupid, we can't see into the beyond, we really don't know what's going on. Only God knows, and we know that God is Love, so His plan for us is only out of love and for our highest benefit. Sometimes I feel stuck between two worlds. I can see this grand plan of love, and other times, it is not a grand plan of love at all, but nothing is happening. I think I feel like the writer of Ecclesiastes: '"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless."' In meaningless, nothingness, there is this quiet, this all-pervading silence, and I don't know how to live in silence. I like the noise of the universe. I feel the silence now, though. It's frightening because it's all consuming, and unknown. What is it? And how is it this silence can be what is, and yet there is all this noise? It is quite difficult to contemplate this paradox of the universe. I just stock it up to be one of those things that goes beyond my comprehension.
I wrote a poem about death:
Death, I want to be
your friend,
but you take away
the ones I love.
I know you mean me
no harm
but it hurts
anyway.
You tell me to let go
I don't know how
Your hand looks
rough and stiff
nothing I want to touch
but there you are
staring at me
Your essence is dark
and fear wells up
within me
how can I accept you?
You have erased
their pain
mine has been stirred.
Your hand did not hold
the spoon, did it?
No, it is my hand
stirring the suffering
because I beheld
you,
and I was afraid
am afraid
because you are so
sudden
so final
so shocking.
You are not
as I expected
you reached past
my walls
and sent shivers
through my heart.
You snatched
the last
of Pandora's
creatures,
Hope
what can I hope for now?
Death is the End
of all living things
and here
in the known world
the end
is not
a beginning.
There will be no more
of that which was lost
to you
Not in this life
nor in that form
Innocence was shattered
by your touch.
All I can do now
is stop trying
to hold on to
that which has
passed beyond
He will not return
as he was
he will be new
and I won't know
who he is.
The only way
to disperse despair
is to release
the fear of change
The caterpillar must die
to become
the butterfly
There is no sorrow
at that loss
for that loss
was gain.
Is all death
so beautiful?
You do not look so
from this perspective.
Let me stand
elsewhere
for a while
so I can see you
in your gown of glory
your hand of light
let me see,
that you are
just a night
full of stars
a mystery
full of love
let me see
you.
I am reminded
that when Arjuna
saw Krishna
in His fullness
he was overwhelmed
for the sight of
Krishna
was fearsome
Were you there
in that vision,
death?
Yes, for He says
"I am Death".

Fearing What You Don't Accept: An Autobiography

Today I'm going to write a little more about myself. I've had some experiences which have taught me that we fear that which we have not yet accepted. When I was 15, my sister moved out of the house, taking with her some part of myself, because after that, I wasn't the same. I didn't know who I was and I forgot many things. I became very insecure, I think I thought that if I wasn't good enough, I would also get thrown out of the house, and I was terrfied. I didn't know who to be. I don't know why, but my attempts at not acting like my sister failed, and I started to do the very things I was afraid of doing. I forgot how to wash my hands-how in the world does that happen?! To this day I am still afraid that it will happen again. I am not whole, I am still broken by these experiences. I went into tenth grade in high school and found myself more lost, because I would be afraid of doing whatever the teachers told us not to do, and because of that fear, I would lead myself right into doing what I wasn't supposed to. One thing that happened bothered me for years. I was in health class watching a video about homosexuals. They had said that people were able to tell if you were, and I became afraid that people would think I was, even though I wasn't, which of course had the effect of creating in myself the image that I was homosexual! Fear! Terror that someone would see right through me, see that I was starting to have feelings for women and not any for men. They would know, and I would be rejected. Being homosexual was considered wrong by me, so I was wrong. I was messed up. I was lost. I kept this as a deep dark secret until I finally started to accept who I really am, and that is not a homosexual. That was a mistaken identity. And the only way to see who I really was was to accept that it is okay to be homosexual. It's totally natural. There's nothing wrong with it at all. I accept the sexual feelings I have for women as well as the ones I have for men, now that I have accepted myself and others. I am free of that fear now. But, other fears came upon me, too, that I have yet to overcome because I have not accepted them. Because I have not accepted them as a part of me, I cannot even share them with you, for fear I will be rejected. See, I have difficulties with my sexual part of myself. I am frightened of her. She has feelings for many people that I don't think she should be feeling that way about. I reject her, so I cannot be free. So, I dealt with a lot of confusion on the matter of my sexuality. I remember watching a movie during that time when a woman was talking about being raped, and I was being aroused by that, and it was so shameful to me that I ran away to cry and pretended I was using the bathroom so they wouldn't know it had bothered me. I also had trouble writing papers because I didn't know my own ideas. I washed my hands methodically, making sure to wash every finger, and every spot. That period of my life is something so strange and frightening that I still fear it will happen again. I have thoughts that if I don't do something a certain way or at a certain time, someone will die, or something bad will happen. I can't seem to get past that completely, for I will indeed blame myself if something bad happens and I didn't do what I was supposed to do. This I assume is OCD. Since I have never been diagnosed, I can't be sure, but it seems to be the answer for what was, and is, affecting my life so negatively. I have come to dread anyone who says our thoughts become our reality, because my thoughts can be dangerous-at least that's what they tell me! What do they mean if I have a thought that my cat will die, then my cat will really die because I focused on that thought due to my fear? Eeeeeek!! That makes everything worse. I already have the problem where I think that if I think it will happen, it will. That's scary, because I have thoughts that my family and/or friends will die. How could my thoughts possibly be responsible for their deaths?! I have this prayer I say to make sure that doesn't happen. I wish I didn't have to be afraid. It may all stem from my sister leaving, I blamed myself for that. Something happened, something in me broke. I don't know how to fix it, but I have managed to work through some of the ill effects of that event. It is hard to release OCD-it swears it is too important! No, you can't do that! Someone will die! Someday I'll have to accept that death happens and it is certainly not my fault unless I take actions. Thoughts do not affect another person's reality, only my own. The only way someone could die by my thoughts is if their own thoughts also co-operated. I have many things to accept in this life. Acceptance brings peace and freedom.

Choosing a State of Mind

Lately I have been remembering that I choose my state of mind. I choose how I perceive things-within my ability to perceive otherwise. I was feeling angry at my brother for something, and I stopped for a moment and realized I didn't have to be angry. (Especially if I am going to follow what I believe in-which is that everything happens for a reason. :) ) It didn't really matter. I keep making things matter that aren't that serious. Of course, I know the reasons behind my mental exaggerations. They are more serious, but they really don't have anything to do with the situation at hand. I've found that my main fear is that I'll be a failure. I'm afraid to fail at life, so I don't try to live. I create relationships that are bound to fail, out of my need not to fail. I create fail/fail choices because I don't want to be responsible for anything, because I don't want to fail. I fail because I don't want to. I talked to God about this in my journal. He made it clear that the only way for me to escape my fail/fail options is to decide who I really want to be, and what I really want to do. If I want to do it, and I do it, I can't fail. It only becomes a fail when I'm not sure about my decisions. Here's what He said: "Decide who you want to be, really. Decide what you want to do, really. And once you have, don't let following your chosen path count as a failure. If you do it, you succeed, no matter what you fail to do. When you succeed at winning, you fail at losing! Just as you succeeded at saying no at the retreat, and failed at saying yes." Later She said: "Do not worry. You will not fail me. You cannot fail me." Oh, I needed to hear that so much! Thanks, God! :) God's love for us is higher than our deepest wishes of what love could be. We cannot fail God!

Suffering for Silence

I was ordered to speak

but remained silent

for fear of ridicule

for rebellion

But what use was it

to keep quiet

and destroy love?

To whom must I be

faithful?

Must I betray myself

to please him?

Or uphold my dignity?

This question burns me.

What choice do I have

when both paths

fail one of us?

Who's to suffer?

I took this question

to bed

and let my tears

wash me into myself

where I was no good

and death loomed

before me

my emotions tore at me

until in my pain

I smashed my head

into the bars

of my prison

until it split

and my blood

poured out into

my dreams

and drowned my purpose.

As I lay there

hopeless

I fell asleep

and when I awoke

it was no more.

Only a memory

of suffering

and a throbbing

in my head.

I want to be free.

Never Good Enough: The Lie of Perfection

I'm not really interested in doing Tuesday Topics anymore, I just don't really have any thoughts on the subjects they choose, so it's kind of pointless. Besides that, I don't like to write my thoughts when they are not interesting and thought provoking. It makes me feel ineffectual, less than who I want to be, and I judge my writing by strict standards. It sucks being a perfectionist. Actually, it's quite depressing. I drew a picture of my mother a couple of years ago, and I don't like it at all. I see it's flaws. I didn't feel it was good enough to show anyone, but I decided to anyway. Everyone I showed it to seemed to think it was a work of art. My fears and need to be perfect have deprived me of sharing my gifts with the world. Never good enough is my constant inner message to myself. No wonder I'm depressed. I do not know how to stop that recording. I have had it for so long. How can I believe anything but that? It makes itself sound so true. Especially when the messages around me are usually the same as the one in my head. When they are not the same, I don't believe them because I don't trust others-unless they agree with my misperception of myself! So defeating! I'm trapped in my own head! I do hope I have a key, or someone does. God's message to me is that She loves me-how do I even truly believe that when in my head it's "No one loves you. You are not worthy to be loved." Will continuing to affirm that God loves me break the chain of negative messages? I truly hope so, I have been using affirmations for a couple of weeks. I do not see much progress, but that does not mean it isn't working. Could just be that these positive messages I am using are pushing the negative ones out, and that's why I am running into them more often and with more ferocity. They do not want to leave their home. I feel insignificant and pointless. I feel like I have no purpose. God has said that my purpose is to live as the trees live. They give of themselves naturally. And they give what they can give, and not what people want them to give. You can't expect a tree to grow money, you will be sorely disappointed. I am tired of the expectations people place upon me. Trees live. I am to live. Just to live. In living, I love, I give, I grow. I do not have to give the perfect gift, nor give it perfectly. I do not have to love perfectly or grow perfectly. I do not have to be perfect! The image of perfection is a lie-the only perfect we can achieve is imperfect. My drawing of my mother is imperfect, and that's perfect! It must be imperfect! It is meant to be imperfect! My gifts are perfectly imperfect. We really need some new words, I think. Perfect and imperfect are so full of prejudisms and biases.

Tuesday Topic?

It's Tuesday...normally I would talk about the war in Iraq, but today's topic isn't something I wish to do-post a picture of the Iraq war. A picture of the war? Where am I going to find that? Why would I want that on my blog? I wouldn't.

Easter Love

Hey, I went to church today...I thought I would go after Easter, not on Easter, but I'm glad I went because there was a great sermon. It's a good thing my mind has had time to rest and contemplate and get stronger, because right now I can hear things I normally couldn't hear, without any problems. There are more important things than a difference in theology. Besides, the death and resurrection of Christ really is a beautiful story if one looks beyond the negatives of it. Usually I'd see God as wrath and God as hate, but I have to remember, the story of Christ's sacrifice is a metaphor created by man to understand God's amazing ability to forgive. God's forgiveness is like a wave washing over us, cleansing us of our sins-that is true! That can be experienced through Jesus.
For me, everything must be seen through the eyes of love, I can't look at it any other way or my depression sets in, God is good to me to allow me to find such a perspective. I can never be a Christian-holding the same beliefs that most Christians do, but I can be a Christian, someone who loves the message of Christ-not that we are sinners, but that God forgives. We need to hear that. I need to hear that. Humans are not good at forgiveness. We don't even forgive ourselves, but God forgives automatically. Love reaches out and touches us, and we are free.
Today's sermon was about power. How to have power to live and do good. I see that we can have this power through giving ourselves to Love. They say let Christ control us, but that doesn't make sense to me, I say let Love flow, and that is living as Christ would. To let Love flow, one must give up hate and anger and selfishness, one must let go of everything, and through love, gain everything. The Pastor said this when he said for us to die to ourselves. Yes, die to our negatives! Give everything to Love. Give your gifts to love, your happiness to love, your sadness to love. In love, all things are made right. Our power is LOVE. There is no power greater, there is no power that can overcome Love. We can overwhelm fear with love! Isn't that wonderful? Joy is in Love's arms.

Love Never Gives Up

It's Tuesday, time for a topic chosen by the people of One Million Blogs for Peace. I think I'll paste the question this time.
Try to imagine yourself as a lifelong Iraqi citizen.What do you think would motivate you?How do you think your life would change if foreign combatants left the country?How do you think you would feel about the United States and other occupying countries?

I would have to ask, motivate me to what? As I am right now, nothing much motivates me to do anything. I don't know what it is like to live in a world of foreign combatants, I have no base to form an opinion for how life would change. All I can imagine is that I would feel relieved. My life would pretty much stay the same since I don't have a life to begin with. I would probably feel like they were intruders.

In other news, I'm going to have a talk with my friend on Thursday. I am frightened, but I think I can at least say some of what I need to say. I'm going to have this talk because I know it is the only thing I can do to save this friendship. I have been letting my fear of her control me, it's about time I take a little control of myself. I also know that this talk is going to settle this, whether we will be close friends or not-really-friends. I'm going to try to talk about my trust issues and how she has acted against herself by teaching me not to trust her. Amazingly, there is a beneficial and wonderful reason for all of this pain I am going through, it is to grow in love. To learn how love acts. Love forgives all things! And I get to know this through experience. When I am loving my friend, the things she has done to me just pass away. That's the kind of forgiveness God has for us. He forgives through love, not punishment. Love needs nothing to forgive-it's a natural action of love to forgive. So, I forgive my friend. Especially when I'm loving her. Definitely not when I'm brooding with anger. It's hard not to sometimes, but my love for her surpasses my anger toward her. This is how I get to also experience that love is not and cannot be angry. One other thing I get to learn first hand is how to deal with anger. I have always run away from it, it scares me. It shoves me into my little shell and I won't come back out without love and gentleness. I don't know why I am so afraid of anger. I think it is because I am afraid the angry person will reject me. I have every reason to believe this is true since angry people do tend to reject those they are angry with. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to be rejected. God wants to teach me how to deal with rejection and pain, see how they are related to learning how to love unconditionally. To love compassionately and earnetsly and wonderfully. Love is so grand. I thank God that He gives me such glorious gifts.
Today some people were doing the Stations of the Cross, and they came across a picture of Jesus with His back turned to people. They said "Look, His back is turned toward those people!" And it seemed they were shaken by that. They apparently don't know the perception of Jesus that I know. He doesn't turn His back toward people except as a sign of trust. Cats think nothing of having a back turned toward them. They actually think it is good. I asked Jesus why His back was turned, and He in His humor said "Because I don't have four heads.". Yeah, it'd be hard to draw a picture of Jesus looking in every direction at once. He has to, in a human body, turn His back on people. But, His back is just as great as His front. And those with His back can say "I've got His back!" See, He trusts those He turns His back on. He doesn't turn His back on the needy but the un-needy. As He said "I came not for the righteous but the sinners." If you don't need saving, you don't need the front of Jesus, He knows you will be fine. Of course, that's not the Jesus they were imagining. They were imagining the Jesus who forsakes people. The Jesus who ignores those who are too caught up in there sins to see Him. Well, He's never going to be able to save them if He turns His back on them, now is He? I don't think so. Love NEVER gives up. Love is always there for those that need love. Love hangs out with sinners, it doesn't ignore them. I'm glad God is Love.

Failing at Friendship?

This is interesting, my friend says she didn't say we weren't friends at all, so what does that mean? Are we still friends? Semi-friends? I don't know what to do. Silence for now. I've got to convince myself this is a good thing. God is using this event to strengthen me, to teach me understanding and empathy. I feel depressed. Nothing I'm not used to. I'll get through this, and so will she, and we'll at least be amicable with each other. I have experienced almost this same exact situation about 3 times with this woman. I always wanted to be a friend to her. I wish I could have managed. Am I a failure?

Distraught

I feel like falling asleep and never waking up. Then maybe this nightmare would end. It all started when I went to a retreat with some people from the church I used to go to. A part of the theme was being vulnerable with other Christians. I didn't go for that, I went to have an adventure. I don't get out much. This trip was to NH, I'd never been to NH. Anyway, I was having a stressful day and decided I didn't want to have my feet massaged by a stranger, or even by someone I knew. I was frightened of being judged about my feet. I was tired of feeling vulnerable, tired of the strength needed to face terrying situations, so I didn't do it. When I was leaving, a friend saw me and started to come after me, so I ran from her because I didn't want to have a confrontation.
This is the important scene-because it started the nightmare. The nightmare where my friend decided to write to me about how childish I had been by running away and not having my feet massaged. How she had siad I was chickening out and I shouldn't have gotten upset about her saying that-well, I didn't! I didn't hear her, and I didn't care! She says I was acting like a six year old, and she is frustrated with me and disappointed. She attacked me for being scared. That is very painful to endure, a friend insulting one over nothing! I want to cry, I have cried. I wrote back to her, and she wrote back and attacked me some more! And then she said she didn't want to be my friend anymore because I won't trust her. I'm sorry, but she's just not someone I can trust, and it's been that way since we started the friendship, what's the big deal now? Why does it matter now? I'm too wounded to be vulnerable with her, doesn't she understand that? Look at how she treated me over not having my feet massaged. I did nothing to her, and now we're not friends, and I feel so lost! Why did this have to happen? I think everything happens for a reason, but it is hard to find a reason for pain. I do think that it is the healthiest thing for both of us, but...it hurts. I don't know what I was meant to learn through this experience.

Understanding the Opposition

Today's Tuesday topic is not easy for me, for I would find it quite hard to imagine myself feeling differently about the war in Iraq. I am passionately against it, how can I imagine being for it, even a little? I'd have to imagine not only a change in thought but a change in personality, which is not something I can do. I can only hope that if I was for the war, showing me the suffering of the people there and the soldiers would change my mind, since I am empathetic, I doubt I could remain for the war seeing all the pain and death and know that it was needless.

Cats are Sacred

I just read something odd. I was reading about dream interpretation and did a search about cats-because I see my cats in my dreams often. Apparently, seeing a cat in your dreams is ill fortune. That doesn't seem right to me, but of course, I love my cats and wouldn't want a dream where I killed one of my cats just to maintain good fortune. Yuck. How horrible. What is so negative about a cat? I think they are sacred. Perhaps the author of that perception is biased against cats. My cats most likely stand for other things, and not what some dream intepreters say. Also, they could just be in my dreams because they are a part of my life, and for no other reason than that.

A Choice For Peace

Today's topic kind of intermingles with yesterday's post, since this blog is participating in blogging for peace, and there are Tuesday topics.
I remember when the war in Iraq started, I was upset, I was definitely against the war, but I was also against the media presentation of the first bombings-because those were actual people dying with each of those bombs-they weren't statues or dummies or dolls, they were living, loving human beings with families, they were fathers and brothers and sisters and mothers. They weren't objects, for us to watch their massacre on tv as though it was nothing. I couldn't stand it. I am against murder, and war is murder, no ifs, ands, or buts. I was against the war because there had already been so many deaths, on 9/11, and in Afghanistan, I didn't want more suffering in the world. I knew war would happen, but four years of it?! Pain! Why so much pain in the world that could have been avoided? We can still avoid more pain. We always have the choice for peace.

Love Your 'Enemies'

I have always been against war. Christ said "Love your enemies." I can't see how killing them is loving, really. I never heard Christ say "Love your enemies, but if they are not just your enemies, but your ENEMIES, hate them and kill them." When are we going to be able to turn our swords into plowshares if we keep on warring? Are we waiting for the next life? Yes, peace can be accoplished, but sorry, not this time around. What are we waiting for? Is the human race prepared to obliterate itself just to have peace? That's the stupidest way to peace I ever contemplated. Of course it'll be peaceful, there won't be anymore humans! People probably think it's not going to come to that, but we've already begun. We've already started attacking people to prevent them from attacking us, which is NOT going to do us any good. Actually, it is causing more hatred between other nations and ours. War only creates more war, war never, ever leads to peace. I did a study on this in High School, and I read that "In the end, all wars lead to peace." I proved that statement false. Wars lead to a calm before the storm. It seems peaceful, but you aren't looking at the seething beneath the waves. You aren't looking at the winds gathering power. You aren't listening to the depth of the silence. Life goes on after war, which leaves space for the anger and hatred to grow, and war to spring up from the ashes. Do we wish to create such a space? Let us stop war! War is not even justified. There is no justice in war. Justice is compassionate and merciful-justice seeks to understand and seeks to heal-justice does not seek revenge, does not seek to create injustice, for that is what every wound is-an injustice. War creates large wounds which are usually difficult to heal. War destroys families and animals and trees. War destroys hope, and love, and peace. War destroys. Justice builds. Peace is the answer. We need peace in Iraq, and we need to prevent more war in other countries. We need to be a people for peace and love!

Ash Wednesday

Today I was talking to a friend about Ash Wednesday, and they said it was about convicting ourselves of how sinful we are. That doesn't sound like a good activity to me. I stated my negative opinion of this by saying, "You'll never get me to do that!" No, they won't get me to feel utterly horrible about myself, I do that enough all by myself, I don't need to think that God also thinks I'm rotten. But, I added this as to why I wouldn't do it "Christ already took care of that." Yes, if we are to believe that Christ wiped away our sins, what in the world are we doing bringing sin back into the picture? They keep killing Christ over and over, for what? Of course we do harmful things to each other, but Christ never said "Focus upon your sins." He said "I've come to take away the sins of the world." They are gone. They are not kept on record. Nor in a book. Are we saying that Christ didn't accomplish what He came to do, that we are still such awful things? Instead of feeling bad, let's feel good! Let's take our convictions, and do something beautiful. Paul talked of this, when he talked about his thorn. That thorn could have been a sin, but instead of feeling like he was a bad person, he took that thorn and gave glory to God through it. That would be the only beneficial reason to even see our sins is to do something to heal the wounds created by them. Love sees sins and says "What can I do to heal this situation?" Love doesn't see sins and say "What horrors! Boo! What have I done?! What have you done?! I hate myself! I hate you! I hate what I've done!" Yeah, really try to imagine Love hating. It doesn't work. Love loves. That's how sin leaves, through love. As the Bible says "God so loved the world He gave His Son!" He loved! He gave! It wasn't "God so hated sin, He forced His Son to be crucified so He could forgive those stupid humans for all their evil deeds." We turn Christ's gift into a nightmare! And we turn our puny little lives into lives that should be squashed! What do we do that for? We hate ourselves so much. Let's not do that anymore. Let's love.

Judgement Soup

Wow, I'm judgmental! I complain a lot about the judgments of others and find myself judging everyone, too. To add to that, I also judge myself for judging others. This whole judgment thing is really harmful to the health. That's why I am glad there is Zen! When you are seeing the world as it is, there is no room for judgment. It is "cloud in the sky, water in the jug". There's no, "Hey that cloud is an odd shape. I don't like the look of those clouds." "This water tastes funny. Why do these crazy people keep putting water in jugs! They should use glass jars!" Yay, no judgment. I could use that in my life, which is why I have returned to studying the way of Zen, it is good food for my aching soul.
Going to church every Sunday was "judge, judge, judge!". Who can live like that? I really don't want to any more. I went to church in the beginning not to judge, but to learn. However, eventually learning reached a point of nothingness. Couldn't I have been happy with nothingness? I guess not, because when I don't learn something, I automatically put on my judgment hat. Perhaps that is because I am wearing my judgment hat anyway, looking for something to learn. It's also hard to listen to judgment without responding in kind! I have much to unlearn! I never left church because I didn't want to miss an opportunity to learn, and I wanted to give up judgment. I can't stop judging them if I'm not even there, can I? Well, I didn't think I could. Apparently I can't give up judgment while still going.
I left Zen in a corner while I ran off to judge everything. How silly of me. Judgment has it's uses, but in moderation! Spending my life judging is quite tiring. I think I'll take a nap. It is difficult to take a break from judging. Why, just a moment ago I was judging the noises in the house as being something bad, because now I can't concentrate enough to write this blog. I am good at judging. Would you like that as one of your talents? It comes in handy for being sick, confused, and depressed.
I am returning to practicing "observing without mental comment". Three years ago, I wouldn't have even made it to church if it wasn't for this technique. Whenever I went for a walk, I would think others were judging me (a mental comment), this caused me to want to stay inside. But, with the help of letting mental comments slide by without fixating upon them, I was able to go for walks, and go to church for the first time in 7 years. Even switching the object of my judgment was useful, if I couldn't cease judging altogether. That would be so helpful now, when I'm judging people as being mean, insensitive, and horrible-instead I could judge the sky as beautiful, the snow as white, and music as calming. Then you could ask me, "What about those people?" And I could say "What people?".

Impassioned Against Injustice

On Sunday I ran away from church before it was over because I felt pressured into doing something that wasn't me. I was enraged that the Pastor said not to take communion if we didn't have Christ as our Lord. I never take communion, because it doesn't bring me closer to God. After he said that though, I thought I'd have to take it or everyone would think Christ wasn't my Lord. The Pastor said no one would judge anyone, but he's not everyone, and I know better than that. I didn't want to be judged, so I left. Of course, in leaving, I've probably defined myself as something I'm not, too.

Perhaps I was so mad on Sunday because unconsciously, it struck my sense of justice as completely injust. There is a Holy Communion, in which you reach into the Heart of God, and Commune with Him. But, the Pastor said "No, you cannot commune with God unless you are right with Him." How in the world do you worship or love a being you are not permitted to commune with? What a bunch of s**t. Love has been forsaken for something so not like love that anyone with compassion could see right through it. Who has the right to tell another that they cannot commune with Christ because Christ wouldn't be pleased if some outsider decided they wanted to be near Him? How unchrist-like. Man, I wanted to swear at that pastor, because he was so intolerant, so not in the mind of love. Love would have said "Come, all you who are weary, all who thirst and hunger-come ALL!" Not "Come you who thirst-but only you guys. Come you who hunger, sorry, I didn't mean you. Come you who are weary, wait, I won't take your burden."
How can Holy Communion even mean anything if it is not for everyone? Ah, is it only the holy who can commune with the Holy? Ptth! That's stupid. How is anyone holy? Through a life of communion with the Holy. How can one who is not Christ's ever become Christ's if they can't commune with Him? They won't. They will commune with Him elsewhere since you deny them bread and wine. You deny them they body and blood of Christ. Perhaps that is best, for they can find Him elsewhere and know that you do not have a monopoly on Holy Communion. It is about communing with the Divine, it has no standard. You cannot place a law upon communion. You cannot say, only you, and you may commune, the rest of you, sorry, you're just not loved, wanted, or correct. You must wait outside the gates of heaven. God doesn't want you, and neither do we. B****rds! And to think I thought I over-reacted! I didn't! It's total injustice, and God would be feeling a little like me, too! Not angry like me, but He would have a movement in His bowels-passion for the truth, which is not "I only want a few to come before me." Who's rules for Holy Communion are those rules that keep people out? Not God's!!!

No thanks, Mr. Judgment

If I ever reach
a white throne of judgment
and am found in the book of life:
I will be amazed.

For there, before the throne,
I'll be pleading for the lost,
for those God forsooke,
and left to their doom.

I will suffer eternal torment,
if any are allowed to be thrown
into a lake of fiery fires,
with no Helper, no Friend.

I will stand and shout
"Who is this God of love
who sends people away from
His tender mercies?"

"Has He forgotten His own Son
who died to prevent
such a horrible, unneeded,
and dastardly event?

What is love that it refuses
to see beyond the flesh of a man,
into the severely wounded heart,
and offer healing?

What is love that it can't be:
questioned yet never lost,
unseen, but still present,
forgiving even unrepentedness?

I do not wish to receive life
if life is not for all.
I do not want to be loved,
if love is not Love.

Could I find that things
are not as they seem?
That God does Love all
and saves all?

Could I find not only my name,
but the name of every being,
no literal lake of fire,
but where all illusions are burnt away?

Could the veil be lifted?
Hearts unhardened?
Eyes unblinded?
Ears undeafened?

Could I see a True Love?
He who accepts all,
no matter if they accept Him?
He like Christ?

If I could not, then,
I forsake my name.
I give my name to the lost,
for their renewal and redemption.

I give up my adoption rights,
for I do not wish to be
a child of the Judger,
Doomer, Burner, Forsaker!

I give up!
If God is not God,
and Hope not Hope,
and love not Love!

Existence is futile.